The disease impossible to heal

[greatJim]

I will try a new story here.

[greatJim]

One day,I was in extremely fatigue ,and depressed so much and went into a coffee pub in an unknown city.It was late and night fell down around the little street where the pub located.

I ran away from my homeland,and traveled here.I had lamost lost everything,my wife,my job,money...everything....maybe but myself.

------
I wanted a cup of coffee from a girl's hand.I guessed she was the owner of the pub.I wanted to say something to her.But her eyes was telling me,she was tired to listen words out of a person like me.-----"Just another man with heart broken".

[forenza61]

how could the coffee girl get your state of mind.......
you weren't just another man with a broken heart you were also a new one came to tell a different story, your own.
how could she have taken it for granted?

[greatJim]

When i looked around the interior of the pub,I found it was like a forest,since it gave me a warm feeling.yes,sometimes I thought forest is a good place for rest.

The girl changed the music and atmosphere became sort of meloncholy.I knew the song floating in the air,it's <yesterday>,sang by the Beatles.

"Love was such a easy game to play.."

I could not help being moved by it.And suddernly felt my body had been likely fallen into a hole.....my eyes were soaked.And didn't know it happened by fear or emotion.

[forenza61]

a pub like a forest is a warm place to hide from the wicked outside world.
did anyone inside approach and ask for a reason for your tears?

remember me of the Moby Dick atmosphere... and travelling appears to be an escape from the painful situation..



:P

[greatJim]

a pub like a forest is a warm place to hide from the wicked outside world.
did anyone inside approach and ask for a reason for your tears?

remember me of the Moby Dick atmosphere... and travelling appears to be an escape from the painful situation..



:P

My friend,you are so good.well,I tell you a secret,when you continue talk here,you will be a golden member soon.But to be a golden member has no difference with a member who never speaks.

[greatJim]

The thing happened in several years ago,when I had graduated from university for more than 5 years.

At that time,I had been worked in a big hospital for many years and been married with a girl I met in the same working place.She was an internal physician and I was in the psychology section.

We got married one year after we knew with each other.Actually we didn't almost have opportunity to know each other since the hospital was so large,but coincidently maybe by the will of the god ,one time we took the same training class on the english test GRE out of the day job.At that time,after 3 years working,I felt a little boring and at night I went to class.

Lily was also there.She was beautiful and quiet.Until I made a conversation with her once,I didn't know she was working in the same hospital with me.

The GRE was very difficult for me and when the training class was over.Lily had became my formal girl friend.

[forenza61]

i just wrote to say i loved the story.....


this has little to do with my secret aspirations

:)

[greatJim]

I didn't remember why I went to the GRE training class at that time ,but the three years of life after graduation gave me a kind of feeling,that it would take me away like a big river...

Maybe Lily had the same feeling with me,maybe not.I didn't think it too much.

Yes,now I could feel in her thinking,To go abroard was a dream,to be in USA maybe sounded like to be in paradise.

----
But we all failed.the GRE test was over, LIly got a higher score than me.I gave it up just at that moment.She gave up at later time.Since the embassy rejected her at last.
---
For me,After I knew her ,I made a phone call every day when we were at work,maybe just said a hello,maybe asked her to date in weekend.

The city of Shanghai was dazzling enough for me.And she soon changed her mind and agreed to marry me.

[greatJim]

Lily was the origin of dynamic for me at that time .She was demure.To be married with her,was all my thinking in brain at that time.

The job was the buisiness I could deal with,and I was satisfied with the salary ,too.working in a big hospital,a governmental organization ,could lead a decently whole in the future as I thought.

The only thing I didn't feel very well was the complex relationship in the hospital,the relationship between leader and underling,the relationship between colleauges were very complicated.

-----
In The day when Lily was refused by the USA embassy ,I accompanyed her back to home,she and her family lived in an old house building.

She looked really in sorrow very much,and I just couldn't find way to reassure her.At last ,I said,"Italy,We go to Italy,Let the damn USA go to hell."She raised her head and smiled to me.

"Jim,let us get married."Lily said.

Although I felt it came up a little quicklier,It seemed that was the words and result what I expected for .

Actually I was almost moved ,I grasped her hand and we began to run on the street sidewalk.I said ,"Let's go."

The night in Shanghai was so brilliant with the neon and lightening shop windows everywhere that I thought we could face a new and good tomorrow just here,where we were born in.From now on,I could own a family ,ending up the inanimate single life.

[greatJim]

I am sorry.recently I felt my eyes tired often when i faced the screen of the PC.

Maybe I should rest for some days.And the story....I am sorry..

[greatJim]

Maybe because I was graduated from the most famous medical university in China,maybe Lily was so adamant.

Our wedding soon came.

I was from a western place in China,it was far underdeveloped than the eastern city --- Shanghai.

My family was happy when hearing the news.And because the road between the two place was too far.They didn't come to celebrate our marriage.

Lily looked so beautiful on the wedding,and I invited my colleauges coming,they lived just in the dormitary by me,for three years .

I knew I would leave the hospital's dormitary soon.because when the couple both devoted for the hospital,like me and Lily.
there have more chances to get an apartment room.Maybe not capacious,but better than the dormitary.

[greatJim]

But out of my imagination and which made me sorrow,The higher-up in the hospital refused my entreating for an apartment.

They said I had not served long enough and lily hadn't ,also.

I was angry,I said,"But where do you want us to sleep at night?"

the leader of our section office said,"That's not my bussiness."

His mood made me sultry.At least i was working for this hospital.

At last Lily and I spent our honeymoon in her grandmother's home.

In fact it was not a month,just half a month.

[greatJim]

One day Lily said she would work overtime and would not have supper with me.

I said "OK" and hanged up .

On the way back home,I met with the old roommate ---Xiao chen ,he had lived in dormitary for 5 years,and hadn't got married.

Xiao chen asked me to have the dinner with him,since we hadn't talked for many days.

I really needed a close friend to speak out my displeasure,so I went there with him.

-----

[greatJim]

Xiao chen was ardent but not very fortunate .he asked me to drink something,I agreed.

We often chatted in the past few years,after daytime work.

"Why did you get married so quick?"He asked in a half serious way.

"I am not so young any more....anyway."I answered.

"To be young or to be old depends on your attitude to life."Xiao chen said it in a little smile,and put some liquid into my cup.

"Maybe you are right.But I am tired of the life in this kind of environment."

"yes,...but ..."He looked at me ,waiting for my words.

"But I didn't get the allotment of the apartment?"

He changed into silence and asked me to drink more.

"I think you should give the upper levels some bribe."Xiao chen said.

[greatJim]

"That's not a man's deed ,to bribe them?I think they are voracious .I can't do this."I refused it quickly.

Xiao chen smiled,"You are like me.I hate these kinds of thing too.Man should earn life by his skill on job."

"I don't know what these kinds of persons want,on the other hand."I answered after a while.

"what do they want?they are old and not have good education.I think they haven't very high request."he said."how about cigarettes,drinks?"

I smiled and said,"How can you endure the loneliness here?"

[greatJim]

Xiao chen didn't answered me at once,but he spoke at last,"Jim,you are a psychological doctor.What do you think of me?"

I said,"Have you any syndrome abnormal?"

Xiao chen said."No.I don't mean it."

I said."So ....?"

He said,"When one was a loser in love,he probably planed to commit suicide."

[greatJim]

when I just wanted to explore the answer of this question with xiao chen,my mobile phone rang.

it was Lily.

I knew It was late now. i didn't tell her I came here indeed.

"Sorry.I must go back home now."I told Xiao chen.And thanks for his hospitality and left the small room hurrily.

"Where have you gone?"Lily was in worry obviously.

"I met Xiao chen on the way back home.And We drank a little together."

I began to help her do some household affairs.

"Don't be so late next time."Lily said,"I hear Xiao chen is not very good in his personal life."

[greatJim]

I am sorry.

I bought the <Moby Dick> by chance. and it's a difficult book for me,since there are many new words in it.

I heared it was a famous and great novel in America literature histroy.Like the book<dream of red building> in China.

But anyway,<dream of red building>is also difficult for me to read.I never try to finnish reading it,the masterpiece as they say.

What I know is <dream in red building> was completed by a second writer since the writer died before finnished it.

The book is also saddening,although looks like optimistic in many pieces.

----Whatever,I hope i can finnish this story,by myself.in this meaning,I like American literature than Chinese literature.Although these two books are both very complicated.

[greatJim]

Lily asked me what we talked when we were in bed at night.I said carelessly,"Xiao zhao said I should bribe my boss."

"How did you answer?"

"I said I didn't know what they wanted."

Lily didn't say anymore,and hastened me to sleep.

----
What I faced everyday is the same.I looked out of the window from the building sometimes.there was a river outside.Boats loaded with goods were driving in it.

Sometimes I imagined one's life was just like the goods on the boat.Floating from this place to another.

[greatJim]

Although the talk of suicide between me and Xiaochen hadn't made a end,but his words made me recollect many things.The past things when i was in the medical university.

My first love experience was sad and without result.Heyang,my first love ,who ever gave me happiness and bless,was dead because of cancer.

Heyang's dead gave me tremendous strike.In fact,I thought of suicide at that days.I am in extremely confused mood and mental status.Everynight i could not sleep but by medicine.

I thought I was in disorder at that time and went to ask the mental helping center.In fact i was a psychologist student,but I just could not give myself a satisfying medical cure.

[greatJim]

The patients now i faced everyday also had different obstales in their lives.

Although i knew they were hurt by something unfortunate.But I just tried to make them believe that life was a course,not an aim.

Some medicine could keep them from the painess on the body.But some medicine only could found in one's heart,such as responsibilty.

And just because of the deadth of Heyang,I thought I should live in a strong mental status.

I spent several years and at last went out of the painful mood.

[greatJim]

Lily didn't know these things,and I never tried to tell her that.

I was like a boat floating to somewhere unknown.

And for Heyang ,I thought I should give her a place in my heart.That was the best way for me to remember her..

One day,Lily told me a good information,that she said we could own our house,a drewlling now.

I asked how.She said if we paid a part of the money of apartment.the hospital could give us some discount.and preempt it.

If we chose waiting,we must stay in her grandmother's room for another more than 2 years.

[greatJim]

I said that was ok.Since I saved some money in these years.
Anyway sooner or later the houses would be on market in the future.

CHina also would enter WTO someday.The economy system will change ,from allotment to dominated by free market .

----
We paid about 40,000yuan and could live in a better place,I knew we didn't own it.But anyway,it was better than now.

especially for Lily she felt she had a sense of be MARRIED.

[greatJim]

i didn't have to dodge somewhere like a roamer in shanghai.

Lily and I decorated the house,and made it looked lovely and warm.we were so satisfied and really in a happy mood for a period of time.

I ended my grey life on the emotional experiance and looked forward to the future.

Lily was also going out from the shadow of the failure on studying abroad .

I felt aimless suddernly when I was on the worktime sometimes.

[greatJim]

I was thinking this problem ,when a patient came in.

yes,I had house now,a wife,a job not bad.SO what was the next?

The patient was a young lady.She said she felt too tired recently and just had no interest on everything.

and her spirit was near the age of debacle everyday.

She was really young and not married, almost as old as me,and she was also an intelligentsia.graduated from a university .

I asked her why.She didn't tell me at first.

just said the busy job made her terribly tired.

I asked her if the job was not suitable for her interest or if it was something like low salary.

She said no.I asked her about her personal life status.

She suddernly sighed.and slowly she said her boyfriend had heart disease.

I was astonished and waited her next words.

"my parents just don't agree with our marriage."

"I owned many things now,and had shared some with my parents.They now lived better than before.I think I am satisfied on many things."She just seemed very painful.

"Do you love him?"I asked .

the lady suddernly sobbed before me.

[cherryhang]

what happen later?

[greatJim]

Sometimes life was a kind of accident.I met with Heyang by chance,too.

The patient's boy friend made me recall Heyang again.She was also tortured by heart disease,and at last killed by it.

at that time,I was a student of China Medical university.I met heyang in the insurgent deed in 1989.

She was the student of history department in Beijing university.

[greatJim]

what happen later?

recently I begin to work again.I changed my living place.just nowhere to write ..

[greatJim]

And I knew Lily maybe had her own secrets.BY the time going ,I didn't know how to change myself,and Lily seemed paying more attention on the social life and material needs.

I had no more skills except my job.

But Lily seemed wanted others.

Everyday i was addicted in the memory of Heyang and our past.

Lily seemed also not take care of my reticence.

---
I was a volunteer medical help student when the fast happened on the Tiananmen square.