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Help for an "odd" phrase

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Help for an "odd" phrase

Postby BadDisciple » Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:30 am

Hello all,

I am NOT a native English speaker. I learned and speak English from very long time.
I write lyrics for songs which some times I try to make a kind of poetic. Here I have
a question about one phrase which I can't feel the best way to put it in. I've imagined
two versions of it:

1. You and I know that perfect is no one.
2. You and I know that no perfect one exists.

I know that the first reaction will be to suggest "You and I know that no one is perfect".
But for purposes of matching phonetic accents with music accents, it doesn't
fit with the music. So, musically seen, I prefer to have it in the first way.
Also, I need the phrase "You and I know that..." to stay intact.

A native English speaking friend of mine says the first one is too old fashioned.
To cross opinions, I need more advices, that's why I came in this forum.
My question is, could I keep the first version as a "poetic" phrase, even if old fashioned?
Or, if it sounds too odd, does the second version sound well then?

Thanks for your feedback.

Best vibes.

BD
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Re: Help for an "odd" phrase

Postby Josef » Sat Oct 23, 2010 1:57 pm

BadDisciple wrote:could I keep the first version as a "poetic" phrase, even if old fashioned?

I would say "probably yes". It would depend, as always, on the context (in this case the actual words, the style of wording and the music), but in general I think it could work, probably better than the second.

But that's only my opinion :mrgreen:
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Re: Help for an "odd" phrase

Postby Tukanja » Sun Oct 24, 2010 12:38 pm

BadDisciple wrote:Hello all,

I am NOT a native English speaker. I've learned and speak English (from) for a very long time.
I write lyrics for songs which I try to make a bit poetic. Here I have a question about a phrase for which I can't feel the best way to put it in. I've imagined
two versions of it:

1. You and I know that perfect is no one.
2. You and I know that no perfect one exists.

I know that the first reaction will be to suggest "You and I know that no one is perfect".
But for purposes of matching phonetic accents with music accents, it doesn't
fit with the music. So, musically seen, I prefer to have it in the first way.
Also, I need the phrase "You and I know that..." to stay intact.

A native-English-speaking friend of mine says the first one is too old-fashioned.
To cross opinions, I need more advices, that's why I came in this forum.
My question is, could I keep the first version as a "poetic" phrase, even if old-fashioned?
Or, if it sounds too odd, does the second version sound well then?

Thanks for your feedback.

Best vibes.

BD


You and I know that perfect is no one.

No one is perfect.
Perfect, no one is.
Perfect? Is any one?
Perfect? Any one?
Perfect? No one.

You and I know. Perfect? Any one?
You and I know. Perfect? No one!

Could this work for your lyrics?
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