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8 sentences - checking for any grammar errors

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8 sentences - checking for any grammar errors

Postby raptile » Wed Dec 07, 2011 7:36 pm

Hello everyone.
I'd like You to help me with correcting my grammar errors in my text. It's very short, so don't worry and I will really appreciate your help :)

"I'm applying for CCW license, because I don't feel safe in Los Angeles. Two days ago I was assaulted on the middle of the road in Holywood by three men. They had tried to pull me out of the car, but thankfully they failed. I already reported the incident to Sheriff's Department. Besides I'd like to apply for a position of security agent in the City Hall. I believe that one of requirements is to possess a CCW license. It also happens that I can't just call 911 for help, because the situation doesn't enables it. The only way which is left is mostly to protect myself, but it's hard when I am not allowed."

Thank you.
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Re: 8 sentences - checking for any grammar errors

Postby TheStephen » Fri Dec 09, 2011 11:26 pm

Here you are:

"I'm applying for my CCW license"

"in the middle of a road"

"the incident to the Sheriff's Department"

"Besides that, I'd like to apply"

"at City Hall"

"the situation doesn't enable it"
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Re: 8 sentences - checking for any grammar errors

Postby caseypons » Wed Dec 14, 2011 3:24 am

Hi,
I like the above grammatical changes Stephen has suggested. You may also consider rephrasing your last sentence from the current wording to something like the option below. Then close the letter by summarizing your personal need of protection and thanking them for reading your letter of application.

from:
"The only way which is left is mostly to protect myself, but it's hard when I am not allowed."

to:
In summary, my basic need of, "self protection," is the primary reason for application of the CCW license.
Thank you so much for accepting my letter of application, and I look forward to discussing any considerations or concerns you may have regarding my application submission.

This is just my opinion but, gives the reader the seriousness of your reason for application, and thanking them for at least reading your letter of application.
Then close the letter with, "Sincerely or Respectfully" and your name, with your contact information directly below your name so they can reach you if necessary.
I hope this helps. {-;
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