Help to correct my writing

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wahyueko
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Help to correct my writing

Post by wahyueko »

5 years ago, susan spread many apllication letters. after many days waiting, finally one company invited her to come. Susan fullfilled the invitation, on that day susan prepared her self well, she wore black skirt and white shirt. her mother was so proud of her when she was standing on front of mirror. she looked beautiful, she had been dressing up for hours. finally on monday morning around 8 am she went out from her home, to attend the invitation. the place of meeting was near of her home. In the morning there was crowded, and she chose to go by taxi. at 09:00 am she had already arrived. she sat in the waiting room and looking around activities. her name was called and she entered a room. she was very nerves because it was first time interviewed by some one. During interview susan explained about her experiences or activities when she had been in university. susan explanations was imprassive so the interviewer hire her as a staff. after interviewing susan was very happy then she called her mother and telling that next month she could start working.
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Tukanja
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Re: Help to correct my writing

Post by Tukanja »

My try

5 years ago, Susan spread many application letters. After many days of waiting, finally, one company invited her to an interview. Susan fulfilled the invitation. On that day, Susan prepared herself well, she wore a black skirt and a white shirt. Her mother had been so proud of her when she had been standing in front of/before the mirror. She looked beautiful, she had been dressing up for hours. Finally on Monday morning, around 8 am, she went out from her home, so as to attend the invitation. The place of meeting was near her home. In the morning, traffic used to be crowded here so she chose to go by taxi. By 9 am, she had already arrived. Looking around, she sat in the waiting room and then, her name was called so she entered a room. She was very nervous because it was the first time she was interviewed by someone. During the interview, Susan explained her experiences and activities when she had been at university. Susan explanations were impressive so the interviewer hired her as a staff. After the interview, Susan was very happy. Then she called her mother and let her know, the next month, she could start to work.
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Krisi
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Re: Help to correct my writing

Post by Krisi »

1. First statement;
  • 5 years ago, Susan spread many application letters.
  • Instead of spread, I'd use any of the following words.
  • posted, mailed, sent

    there may be other words with similar meaning but I find those three more apt to the context of your composition.
- - - - - - -

First statement would appear;

5 years ago, Susan mailed many application letters to various companies and offices.

:-)
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Krisi
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Re: Help to correct my writing

Post by Krisi »

Statement no. 2 after many days waiting, finally one company invited her to come.
  • 2.1 after many days waiting,
I'd change the order to;
  • "After waiting for many days,"
  • 2.2 finally one company invited her to come
Instead of invited, I’d use;
  • "selected and add interview"
finished for statement no.2
After waiting for many days, finally, one company selected her to come for interview.

or
  • add "interview"
finished for statement no.2

After waiting for many days, finally, one company invited her to come for an interview.
or
After waiting for many days, one company finally invited her to come for an interview.
or
After waiting for many days, she was finally invited to come for an interview.
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Krisi
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Re: Help to correct my writing

Post by Krisi »

wahyueko wrote:...
On that day, Susan fullfilled the invitation, on that day susan prepared her self well, she wore black skirt and white shirt. her mother was so proud of her when she was standing on front of mirror. she looked beautiful, she had been dressing up for hours. finally on monday morning around 8 am she went out from her home, to attend the invitation. the place of meeting was near of her home. In the morning there was crowded, and she chose to go by taxi. at 09:00 am she had already arrived. she sat in the waiting room and looking around activities....
note: I find the original a bit confusing so I just change the order as to how I understood the story.

On that Monday morning, Susan accepted the invitation. She then prepared herself for the appointment. She wore black skirt and white shirt. She had been dressing up for hours. Her mother was so proud of her when she was standing in front of the mirror. She looked beautiful. Finally, at about 8 am she left home for her appointment. The place of interview was not far away. The morning crowd made her decide to go by taxi and arrived the place at 9:00 am. She stayed at the receiving area and waited patiently until her name was called. She nervously entered the room because it was the first time for her to be interviewed. During the interview Susan discussed about her experiences and activities in her university.

Susan's discussion was impressive to the interviewer and so hired her on the spot as staff. After the interview, she was very happy then called her mother and told her that she will start her work next month.
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Krisi
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Re: Help to correct my writing

Post by Krisi »

(Finished with just a few changes)

Five years ago, Susan mailed many application letters to various companies and offices. After waiting for many days, one company finally invited her to come for an interview. On that Monday morning, Susan accepted the invitation. She then prepared herself for the appointment. She wore black skirt and white shirt. She had been dressing up for hours. Her mother was so proud of her when she was standing in front of the mirror. She looked beautiful. Finally, at about 8 am she left home for her appointment. The place of interview was not far away. The morning crowd made her decide to go by taxi and arrived the place at 9:00 am. She stayed at the receiving area and waited patiently until her name was called. She nervously entered the room because it was the first time for her to be interviewed. During the interview Susan discussed about her experiences and activities in her university. Susan 's discussion was impressive to the interviewer and so hired her on the spot as staff. After the interview, she was very happy then called her mother and told her that she will start her work next month.
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