Thank you for submitting your short answer question! This will be a great exercise for everyone in this forum. I have a series of major suggestions that you may find helpful. Once you review these comments and make changes, feel free to post here again for additional feedback.
Overall, I really liked your essay, but would encourage you to do the following:
-Keep your essay focused. You only have 150 words to reflect on ONE of your extracurricular activities. You write, "Though I thoroughly enjoy many of my more serious pursuits – including academics, the school newspaper, student council and non-profit work – I feel a completely different sort of pleasure when I dance." You can omit this sentence entirely. Instead, use this space to fully elaborate on what really appeals to you about dance.
-Try to be more reflective about your dance career. For example, you write, "It makes me feel alive. I have danced around the world and have been amazed at the cultural diversity that is around me." The first sentence is GREAT; however, I want to push your thinking even more. What is about dance that makes you feel alive? Where have you danced--can you give an example of a unique cultural experience you had because of dance?
-Try to keep your language specific and your tone confident. You write, "I am a more empathetic person because of the struggles I have endured. I feel that I can tackle any challenge life will hand me. I have developed the self-knowledge and resilience to make the most of the hand I have been dealt, and I'm certain that these qualities will help me in college and in all of my pursuits thereafter." Here, eliminate the phrase 'I feel' which detracts from the confidence of your observation. Avoid generic language like 'any situation life can hand me' and try to specifically pinpoint what dance has done for you as a person.
-You do not even have to relate this short answer to Harvard, and in fact, I do not think you should. Let what you have learned through your dance injury speak for itself. This will have a much stronger impact on an admissions committee.
Please get back to me once you have considered some of these suggestions.
All the best,
Ivy Eyes Editing
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