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"My Room" Paragraph's Correction

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"My Room" Paragraph's Correction

Postby AukI » Tue Jun 14, 2011 12:45 pm

I have an assaignment to write a descreptive paragraph about my room , I wrote one but I am not sure if this paragraph covers all ( topic sentence, controling idea, coherence , concluding sentence) and maybe there are several grammertical mistake. Can anyone tell me how to make it better..?

My Room
The most organize room in my house is where I live. My room is a very cheerful place for me; it has a balcony which gives me a great outlook of sunny and rainy weathers, a wash room, a bed, a personal computer and a cabin for keeping my clean cloths. I tried to keep my room clean and organize most of the time. Often I take a cup of coffee and enjoyed it at the balcony. My room is very quiet and that is why most of my complex works are done in here. Although I do not like the color of my room, it is pale white with few dark spots on it. In addition, I have a large stand fan in the middle of my room, which I do appreciate but do not like; because it gives an ugly point of view towards my room. However, all of my friends like my room and esteemed me for keeping it clean and organized. In the weekend, few of my friends came over and stayed in my room for a long time. In that meantime, we watch movies, eat snacks and chat about life pursuits. Subsequently merging all pros and cons, I really love and admire my room for giving me the most satisfaction in my life.
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Re: "My Room" Paragraph's Correction

Postby Josef » Tue Jun 14, 2011 5:55 pm

I will do the first 2 sentences...

The most organized room in my house is where I live. My room is a very cheerful place for me; it has a balcony which gives me a great outlook on sunny and rainy weather, a washroom, a bed, a personal computer and a cabinet (cupboard/wardrobe) for keeping my clean clothes. (not my dirty clothes)

OR

for keeping my clothes clean. (so they don't get dirty)
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Re: "My Room" Paragraph's Correction

Postby AukI » Tue Jun 14, 2011 6:18 pm

I corrected few of those but still don't think , it is perfect can you please help me to make it perfect , I have to submit it tonight.

Thanks in advance.

The most organized room in my house is where I live. My room is a very cheerful place for me; it has a balcony which gives me a great outlook on sunny and rainy weather, a washroom, a bed, a personal computer and a cabinet for keeping my clean clothes(so they don't get dirty). I always try to keep my room clean and organized. Often I take a cup of coffee and enjoy it on the balcony. My room is very quiet place and that is why most of my complex works are done here. However, I do not like the color of my room, it is pale white containing few dark spots on it. In addition, I have a large stand fan in the middle of my room, which I do not like because it gives an ugly point of view towards my room. However, all of my friends like my room and esteem me for keeping it clean and organized. In the weekend, few of my friends come over and stayed in my room for a long time. In these during time, we watch movies, eat snacks and chat about life pursuits. In spite of everything, I really love my room for giving me the most satisfaction in my life.
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Re: "My Room" Paragraph's Correction

Postby Josef » Tue Jun 14, 2011 8:11 pm

My room is a very quiet place

come over and stay in my room

During this time, we watch

There are a few other problems but I'm not going to rewrite it for you in bed on my phone. Maybe someone else will :twisted:

Don't worry, it's not bad.
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