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Cause & Effect - please help me to revise my writing

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Cause & Effect - please help me to revise my writing

Postby Everdine » Sun Nov 27, 2011 10:34 am

Several Effects of Bullying Behavior at School

Bullying is authority or strength which do by someone or group to someone or other group repeatedly and intentionally in purpose make victim be powerless without clearly reasons. Recently, the news of bullying case has been glower is presented on tv and another information medias. A lot of stories has described in every hardness attitude at school. Bullying is experience that usually is felt by childrens and teenagers. Bullying behavior can in the form of physic threat and verbal threat. Bullying doer usually do their action in lonely places. Such as, in toilet, parking place, school garden, lonely corridor, bus stop, gate of school, etc. Waylaid and request money forcely is one of bullying behavior. For the student victim who through that way will get that’s act and if the victim not give their money, they will get a sound thrasing. It’s very dangerous and have bad effect for the other student if this incident keep over and over again and not prevented.
Bullying behavior has many negative effects to the victim. One important effect is fearness and not comfortable feeling. For the victim who have some money, they will be fine and allow their money is taken free for salvation their selves. How about the victim who haven’t money? Their selves will not safe. Their existence will be a threat to their selves. Certainly for them who has gotten a sound thrasing, they will feel fearness too much to the other people, include new friends or strangers. Because they have put negative thinking in their brain. As results the victim be hard in socialize. Not only that, but the fearness also consequently the victim feel not comfort everywhere, specially at school. They don’t like stay at school for long time, even they feel nervous and wanna go home soon. Eventual there is possibility to move to the other school to avoid the bullying doer.
Another effect is attacked traumatic. So many times they always got hardness treatment, that caused psychological safety descent in their selves. Based on research, the victim will feel negative emotions. Such as, angry, fed up, sad, suppressed, worried, embarashed, threatened, stress, depressed, heart hurt, unhappy, etc.
The last effect is the victim be cured. The victim will feel bored with bullying doer behavior that make money of the victim is gone everyday. As a result the victim think to get additional fund with same way, it is be a “bullying doer”. That way is choosed by them not only as the way to get money, but also as revenge for what they are felt all this time.
In conclusion, bullying is hidden criminal at school. Many people still belittle this problem, whereas not. It’s serious problem that need pay attention of us. A lot of bad effects that caused by bullying behavior. If we let it be develop it same with we let our generation grow to be criminality doer in the next time. Now, time to be conscious about bullying. Stop bullying right now!

How do you think about that ?
please help me to revise my assignment :-)
thanks in advance
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Re: Cause & Effect - please help me to revise my writing

Postby Josef » Sun Nov 27, 2011 6:10 pm

The first thing you need to do is add spaces between the paragraphs. This will break up the text so that people will actually read it. Right now it is a solid lump of text that looks too intimidating to read :roll:

If you don't add a line space between paragraphs, then you can indent the first line of each paragraph. This may not be easy to do on the internet, so I recommend leaving a line space between each paragraph.

I haven't actually read your text, because I'm afraid of indigestion. If you had line spaces between paragraphs I would be more inclined to read it. But are you sure that the paragraphs are the right length? They look quite long. There again, if you can make each paragraph slightly shorter, the text will look more reader-friendly. Remember, a paragraph should contain ONE fundamental idea.
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Re: Cause & Effect - please help me to revise my writing

Postby Everdine » Mon Nov 28, 2011 10:39 pm

a lot of thanks sir, for your advise specially :-)
I really appreciate all your suggestion :-)

and I attach the same paragraph here that has add a line space between paragraphs.

check it out please!

===================================================================================

Several Effects of Bullying Behavior at School

Bullying is authority or strength which do by someone or group to someone or other group repeatedly and intentionally in purpose make victim be powerless without clearly reasons. Recently, the news of bullying case has been glower is presented on tv and another information medias. A lot of stories has described in every hardness attitude at school. Bullying is experience that usually is felt by childrens and teenagers. Bullying behavior can in the form of physic threat and verbal threat. Bullying doer usually do their action in lonely places. Such as, in toilet, parking place, school garden, lonely corridor, bus stop, gate of school, etc. Waylaid and request money forcely is one of bullying behavior. For the student victim who through that way will get that’s act and if the victim not give their money, they will get a sound thrasing. It’s very dangerous and have bad effect for the other student if this incident keep over and over again and not prevented.

Bullying behavior has many negative effects to the victim. One important effect is fear and not comfortable feeling. For the victim who have some money, they will be fine and allow their money is taken free for salvation their selves. How about the victim who haven’t money? Their selves will not safe. Their existence will be a threat to their selves. Certainly for them who has gotten a sound thrasing, they will feel fear too much to the other people, include new friends or strangers. Because they have put negative thinking in their brain. As results the victim be hard in socialize. Not only that, but the fearness also consequently the victim feel not comfort everywhere, specially at school. They don’t like stay at school for long time, even they feel nervous and wanna go home soon. Eventual there is possibility to move to the other school to avoid the bullying doer.

Another effect is attacked traumatic. So many times they always got hardness treatment, that caused psychological safety descent in their selves. Based on research, the victim will feel negative emotions. Such as, angry, fed up, sad, suppressed, worried, embarrassed, threatened, stress, depressed, heart hurt, unhappy, etc.

The last effect is the victim be cured. The victim will feel bored with bullying doer behavior that make money of the victim is gone everyday. As a result the victim think to get additional fund with same way, it is be a “bullying doer”. That way is choose by them not only as the way to get money, but also as revenge for what they are felt all this time.

In conclusion, bullying is hidden criminal at school. Many people still belittle this problem, whereas not. It’s serious problem that need pay attention of us. A lot of bad effects that caused by bullying behavior. If we let it be develop it same with we let our generation grow to be criminality doer in the next time. Now, time to be conscious about bullying. Stop bullying right now!


How is about the grammar in that paragraph sir?
and How is about the generic structure of cause and effect? has it true?
is it unify and coherence?

Thanks in advance :-)
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