Please help me evaluate this essay

[IvyEyesEditing]

Hello,

I really enjoyed reading your essay and would find it difficult to rate. However, I have a couple of major suggestions for you to help refine the language and strengthen your argument.

My first major suggestion for you is to be conscious of your use of English idioms. Subtle language variations in these idioms can sound somewhat strange. The following expressions, for example, should be revised as follows:

a palm of a man's hand ---> the palm of a man's/your/one's hand
he can know many things at his fingertips ---> he can have information at his fingertips
in the nick of the time ---> in the nick of time

Also, keep in mind that idioms give your writing a more casual, informal tone, and may not be appropriate in some academic settings.

The second major suggestion I would have for you is to outline the structure of your argument, and think about creating concrete examples for each component. As it stands, you outline the benefits of the internet according to the following structure:

I. Introduction
II. Current Events
III. Information Database
IV. Practical Tips on Everyday Living
V. Conclusion

In paragraphs 2-4, I would recommend you focus on several specific internet functions, and elaborate on why they are useful or practical in full detail (as a general rule, 1 concrete example might require 2-3 sentences of commentary). Remember, the more specific you can be with these internet examples, the more persuasive and focused your argument will be. I think your introduction and conclusion paragraphs are already quite good. Your introduction effectively introduces your point of view, and your conclusion paragraph builds off your argument and provides broader implications for how the internet can improve our lives. Great work!!!!!

We hope this information helps you! Please let us know if you have any further questions. You have done some fantastic work with this essay, and you should be very pleased with its progress.

Most sincerely,

Paul
Ivy Eyes Editing

[IvyEyesEditing]

We are thrilled you found our feedback useful!

I appreciate the journey and development of all writers, and the tools that teachers employ to help writers grow. To that end, I understand why many teachers encourage transition words and phrases to help give your writing a stronger structure. I agree that this approach can be helpful, not only to students as they learn how to organize their content, but also to their readers!

Ultimately, I believe you will reach a point where these transition phrases are not needed. Your essay will flow organically and seamlessly, and the sequence of your analysis will provide all the 'organizational framework' that you need. Your next step might be to remove the transitional phrases, and think about ways to connect your thought process between paragraphs. Of course, I recommend that you seek our help or the help of your teacher to guide you!

I think you are definitely headed in the right direction. Learning how to effectively organize and frame an argument is critical to developing your English writing skills. I wish you all the best!

Most sincerely,
Paul
Ivy Eyes Editing
http://www.ivyeyesediting.com
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