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Urgent! Please review my statement of purpose - thx

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Urgent! Please review my statement of purpose - thx

Postby Woodfish » Tue Nov 30, 2010 10:02 pm

I need to submit a statement of purpose tomorrow, I know what i want to write but I am not very good at it. Even these little mistakes can leave a real bad mark. Can you people just review it and help me to make it better?


*****************
There is no doubt that everyone has affection for arts, whether it’s a career or a part of their hobby. I explored my interest in music from the day my father bought me an acoustic guitar, when I was thirteen. Through countless hours of practice, great discipline and tireless dedication I learnt the basic techniques and theory of the instrument. I was so fascinated by the amount of passion and imagination it required to compose decent music. That was the time when I decided to pursue my career as a professional musician.
The emerging music technology, at that time, in the form of digital sound synthesizers and effect processors fascinated me a lot to explore the field of music production. Learning to proficiently use these products out there helped me to explore the possibilities that exist in this vast field of sound processing. I was so motivated to understand what actually happens inside and how the things are done. It helped me to change my mind and I decided to purse engineering professionally and keep music as a hobby.
My father was a great source of inspiration for me to pursue the technical field for my career. Who often used to talk to me about his work and discuss the basic electrical and mechanical concepts that I couldn’t grasp at that time. Even these very basic concepts were too complicated for me in my school life. For me, it ignited a thirst to learn what I was unaware of and found difficult to understand.
*********************

Thankyou!... desperately waiting for you help.
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Re: Urgent! Please review my statement of purpose - thx

Postby Josef » Wed Dec 01, 2010 12:05 am

It's pretty good already. I have made a few edits to correct minor grammar points and make it a little more idiomatic. Of course, there might be other changes that could be made. This was just a 5 minute edit. But you should not be ashamed to submit this.

--

There is no doubt that everyone has an affection for the arts, whether it’s a career or part of their hobby. I explored my interest in music from the day my father bought me an acoustic guitar, when I was thirteen. Through countless hours of practice, great discipline and tireless dedication I learnt the basic techniques and theory of the instrument. I was so fascinated by the amount of passion and imagination it required to compose decent music. That was when I decided to pursue a career as a professional musician.

The emerging music technology, at that time, in the form of digital sound synthesizers and effect processors, fascinated me a lot and encouraged me to explore the field of music production. Learning proficient use of these products out there helped me explore the possibilities that exist in this vast field of sound processing. I was so motivated to understand what actually happens inside, and how the things are done. It helped me change my mind, and I decided to purse engineering professionally and keep music as a hobby.

My father was a great source of inspiration for me to follow the technical field in my career. He often used to talk to me about his work and discuss the basic electrical and mechanical concepts that I couldn’t grasp at that time. Even these very basic concepts were too complicated for me in my school life. For me, it ignited a thirst to learn what I was unaware of and found difficult to understand.

--

PS: this is in BrE. If you are submitting in an American environment you might want to change "practice" to "practise" and "learnt" to "learned".
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