Basic version 1-25
The jokes are in simple language, with easy vocabulary and some notes.
A man wanted to drive to Littlemorehampton. He lost his way. He stopped and asked someone,
"Which is the road to Littlemorehampton?"
"Turn right until you arrive at the farm of Mr Humbert."
"But which farm is Mr Humbert's?"
"The one on the corner of the road that goes to Littlemorehampton."
A man and a woman wanted to buy a flat. The agent took them to a cheap flat to look. They did not like it very much.
The woman said, "It is important to know - is it insulated?"
"Yes" said a voice from the flat above them, "But the insulation doesn't work."
The teacher said,
"Short waves cannot pass around objects. Long waves can."
The class did not understand. The teacher put his hat in front of his face.
"Can you see my face?"
"Can you hear my voice?"
"What does that prove?"
"You are talking through your hat."
(To talk through your hat = to talk nonsense)
A young singer went to a small town to sing in a concert. His agent was encouraging him.
"The audience seems ordinary. In fact they are now rich. They grow tomatoes."
"I will not sing," said the singer. "I will return to London. Tomatoes are expensive there. No one will throw tomatoes at me if I do not sing well in London."
A small child met his new teacher for the first time.
"Are you good?" asked the teacher.
"I am the sort of boy my mummy tells me not to play with."
Two men were talking in a bar. One said,
"My problem is I do not like my mother-in-law but she lives with us. Yesterday, I tried to solve my problem. I went to the public house and I drank too much. I forgot my problems. But when I returned home - there were two mothers-in-law waiting."
A man went to a shoe-shop to buy shoes. He put many pairs on his feet. Finally, he was satisfied.
"At last," he said, "I have found a pair of shoes that fit me."
"I am not surprised," replied the weary salesman, "They are your own shoes."
A woman was very angry with her husband.
"I understand you have been telling people that I nag you."
"No. People tell me."
"What do you mean?"
"They tell me that you are a nag. I reply, 'Why should you need to tell me?'"
A husband complained to his friend: "I can never keep a secret from my wife. She always knows when I lie. I do not know why a scientist invented a machine to detect lies. My wife is better than any machine."
A foreign tourist watched a bullfight in Spain. Afterwards, he said to a local,
"How amazing that bulls react like that when they see a red cape."
"O no sir," came the reply. "Bulls don't move a muscle. It's cows that react to a red cape, sir."
"Then why did the bulls react so violently today?" insisted the foreigner.
"They were annoyed at the man who thought they were cows."
People from Scotland are notorious for meanness. One of them went to a ski resort.
He said to the ski instructor,
"I want to learn to ski. I want to ski using one leg only."
"Yes sir. Why only one leg?"
"Because I will only need one ski. It will be cheaper for me than to hire two."
Tarzan is a character from books and films who lives in the jungle with the animals and his wife Jane.
One day Jane asked him why, when he moved through the trees, swinging from branch to branch, he shouted so loudly.
He replied that a pharmaceutical company paid him to do so. The company makes pills for people who have sore throats and cannot speak loudly. Tarzan sucks the pills and the company films him and his loud shouts. They use the film for publicity to prove that their pills are effective.
At the optician's, a customer asked,
"Are my new glasses ready?"
"Yes sir," replied the optician who was a pretty girl. "Try them."
He did and was satisfied. He said,
"I can see you very well. Good-bye young man."
Scientists wanted to study a meeting between a man and a female gorilla. They found a stupid man and asked him if he would meet a female gorilla for $5,000.
He said yes, but made three conditions.
One, someone with a gun must stay in the cage with them to protect him.
Two, the gorilla must wear lipstick to make her pretty.
Three, he did not want to pay all the money at once, but in three payments.
Two friends meet in a bar. One says to the other,
"I understand your wife has abandoned you. You must be very sorry. I suggest you go home and drink a lot of beer to forget your troubles."
"Why not? Do not you have any beer?"
"Yes I have beer. But I have no troubles to forget."
A lecherous king once wanted to seduce a lady of his court. He tried many methods but she resisted them all. Finally, he asked directly,
"Which is the quickest way to your bedroom?"
At once, she replied with a smile,
"First we must go to the church (to get wed), then we can go to the bedroom."
A man went into a shop and asked for a muzzle. The shopkeeper offered him one. He rejected it. The shopkeeper was annoyed. He said,
"I'm sure it will give satisfaction. I sold one to a lady half an hour ago. She was very pleased with it."
"Perhaps she was. I want a muzzle for my dog."
In the night an old woman who had never married, used her telephone. She said,
"Come quickly. There is a man climbing up the wall. He wants to enter my bedroom through the window."
"You have made a mistake. This is the fire brigade. You need the police."
"I know what I'm doing. Come at once. I insist. His ladder's too short."
One rich women said to another,
"It is shameful. Everyone is dishonest."
"Why do you think that?"
"Today my husband dismissed his cashier."
"He stole $100 from the till."
"How did your husband discover it?"
"Because there was $200 missing from the till. I confessed to my husband that I had only taken $100."
The people of Scotland have a reputation for meanness. A man went into a bar in Scotland and bought a ham sandwich. He took a bite but there was no ham. So he complained.
The barman told him to bite again.
He did - no ham.
"That is the explanation" said the barman. "You have already eaten all the ham."
The school teacher had just told the story of the wolf and the lamb.
"So you see, children, the wolf ate the naughty lamb because it disobeyed."
"Yes miss," pointed out a youngster. "And if the lamb had been good, we would have eaten it ourselves."
Two lecturers were talking.
"How do you know when it is time to finish?"
"When the students look at their watches every ten minutes, I sum up. When one starts to change the batteries in his watch, I finish."
A man and a woman are in a doctor's waiting-room.
"Excuse me," said the man timidly. "Are you here, like me, for the operation to change your sex?"
"If they fit you, will you exchange your skirt for my trousers?"
Father is reading Cinderella to his son to send him to sleep.
"Daddy," interrupts the wide-awake youngster, "When the pumpkin changed into a golden carriage, what did Cinderella declare on her tax return - extra income or capital growth?"
A man believed alcohol was very dangerous. He invited people to listen to his reasons. At the end he said,
"Now you understand how dangerous alcohol is - let us all throw our alcohol into the sea."
Silence. One man applauded loudly.
"You agree with me?" asked the speaker.
"Of course. I am a beach-comber. I collect everything that comes from the sea."
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Helen's ESL Jokes © Helen Baker 2003