Basic version 26-50
The jokes are in simple language, with easy vocabulary and some notes.
A teacher was giving a lesson on good manners.
"Suppose, by mistake, you step on a lady's foot. What do you do?"
"I say 'Pardon me'."
"Very good. Now suppose the lady, to reward you, gives you a coin. What do you do?"
"Step on the other foot to get a second one."
A woman visited a family. At the end of her visit, she gave a small coin to the little boy whose family she had been visiting. He put it in his pocket without thanking her.
His mother, thinking perhaps he was shy, asked,
"What do you reply?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do. What do I say when your father gives me money?"
"You say 'Is that all?'"
A doctor visited a patient who was a married woman. After the examination, he said to her husband outside the room,
"I do not like your wife's appearance."
"I do not like it either," replied the husband. "But she has a lot of money."
A man returned home early to find his son frightened.
"Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom. He's hidden in mummy's wardrobe."
Puzzled, the man went upstairs. His wife was in bed. When the husband opened the wardrobe door he found his oldest friend inside.
"You've been my friend for twenty years," complained the husband angrily. "But now you frighten my little boy."
A policeman visited a fortune-teller.
"One of your clients has lodged a complaint against you. I must arrest you for fraud."
"Which client?" she demanded.
"But madam, surely you must know."
In class, the teacher said,
"I shall write a sentence on the blackboard. Find the error."
She wrote, "I did not have very happy holidays."
"What is the mistake Henry?"
Henry thought. "Perhaps you needed a boyfriend."
A big man was accused of beating his wife. He was taken to court. The judge said to him,
"How could a big man like you beat such a small woman?"
"She made me."
"She repeated 'Beat me? If you do, I will find a judge stupid enough to send you to prison'."
The judge thought. Then he said, "You are innocent."
(In England, when you talk to a judge in court, you call him "my lord".)
A man was arrested for being drunk. He was taken to court and appeared before a judge. Still drunk, he protested that he was innocent.
"I was as drunk as you are. As drunk as a Judge."
The judge was annoyed. He corrected the man "The expression is 'As sober as a Judge'. We say 'As drunk as a Lord'".
"Yes my Lord. Sorry my Lord. Well that is how drunk I was."
Two psychiatrists were talking. One said,
"One of my patients thinks that he is a taxi."
"Can you cure him?"
"No. Why should I? Every weekday after work he carries me home."
In court, the accused man was clearly guilty. His lawyer did not know what to say to the judge. Finally, he said,
"It is Christmas. A time for pity and goodwill."
"I agree," said the judge. "I will make a decision next week."
A mother always gave her child a spoonful of cod liver oil for her health. The child hated the taste. So she insisted that her grandmother, not her mother, measure the spoonful.
"Why?" asked her mother.
"Because she trembles," replied the child.
Two old ladies were talking.
"How is your grandson getting on? " asked one.
"Fine, fine. You know he works in a theatre? Only a week ago, he was the back legs of a horse. Now he's been promoted to the front legs."
A stockbroker went to hospital and had an operation. When it was over, he was part asleep, part awake.
The nurse measured his temperature.
The patient heard her say,
"Good," said the stockbroker patient, half-asleep. "At 100, you must sell."
A man went into a travel agent. He asked for a brochure on Greece. The brochure had pictures of all the famous Greek sites.
"I see only ruins," he said, "Not temples and palaces. So do you give discounts?"
Two mothers were talking. One admitted,
"I am too strict with my little boy."
"Why should you think so?"
"Yesterday I took him to a big shop. I lost him. A store detective found him. But when he asked the boy his name, the child replied,
"I'm 'John Don't-touch-that'."
A cannibal spent four years studying at Oxford university. At the end of it, he was asked,
"When you return to the jungle, will you still continue to eat human flesh?"
"Of course I will," he replied, "But I'll always use a knife and fork."
A ten-year-old daughter of rich parents was very spoilt and vain. Every person she met, she would tell,
"I am the daughter of General X."
Her mother tried to correct her.
"You must not boast to everyone who your father is."
The next day, mother and daughter were walking when they met an old friend of the family whom they had not seen for some time.
"Aren't you General X's daughter?" she asked the child.
"I always thought I was", replied the malicious little girl, "But mummy tells me I must be more modest and not say who my father really is."
There was a science teacher in a laboratory with his class. He said,
"First, I take a fly. Now I put it under a microscope. Then I say 'Go away fly'. Now you see - it obeyed me. It has flown off.
Second, I take the same fly. I remove its wings. Then I say 'Go away fly'. But you see - it stays. Conclusion - it is not listening."
In a psychiatric hospital, a doctor was examining a patient.
"Why are you laughing so heartily?"
"I was telling myself funny stories and I'd just told one I'd never heard before."
A television producer was invited by an impresario to audition a dog. The dog talked, sang and told stories. The producer was very pleased and gave the dog a contract to sign. But a larger dog entered the studio. It seized the performing dog and dragged it away.
"What happened?" asked the producer.
"That was its mother," said the impresario with regret. "She wants her son to become a doctor instead."
Two rabbits were in a wood. They talked about another rabbit, a friend of theirs called Johnny.
"How is he nowadays?"
"He was very successful. He ended his life in Paris. Now people think he is a mink."
A couple were watching television. The programme showed horses show-jumping. One horse jumped very badly.
"Turn off the television for a while," said the wife. "Allow that tired horse to recover."
An American teacher told his class how Christopher Columbus had discovered America.
"He was very brave. He took a risk. Without him, there would be no United States today."
All the children looked impressed except one.
"Don't you think Columbus was a hero?"
"I am an Indian."
A man who worked at the docks went to the doctor. The doctor knew that the man drank a lot of alcohol and that can result in damage to the liver. So he warned,
"If you continue like this, you could have a serious problem. In future, I recommend you restrict yourself to water."
Some months later, the doctor met his patient on the quay and said,
"I hope you took my advice."
"Yes doctor," replied the man. "I changed my job. Now I am a diver and I spend all my life in the water."
A young catfish lived, like all catfish, on the bottom of the pond. But one day, for a change, it swam to the surface. It happened that a cat was looking into the water. So the tiny catfish, very impressed, swam down again quickly.
It called to its mother, "Quick, quick. I have seen God."
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Helen's ESL Jokes © Helen Baker 2003