The jokes are in colloquial language, that is, people who speak English from birth would tell the jokes like this between themselves. Notes are provided to explain more difficult words.
A motorist, lost in the middle of the countryside, asked a local the way to Littlemorehampton. "Easy m'dear, take the little road on the right until you come to Humbert's farm."
"But I don't know which farm that is."
"Easy m'dear. It's right on the corner of the road that goes to Littlemorehampton."
A couple of potential purchasers were being shown around a cheap flat by the estate agent. They were not impressed.
"One thing I would like to know above all," insisted the girl. "Is it insulated at least?"
"Yes," came a voice from upstairs. "But it didn't work."
The science teacher explained to his class that long waves can go round objects but short waves cannot. Seeing blank faces, he picked up his hat, held it in front of his face and asked the nearest pupil, "Can you see my face?"
"Can you hear my voice?"
"What does that show?" He hoped for the answer that sound waves are long and light waves short, but the boy retorted hopefully,
"You're talking through your hat, sir."
A young singer arrived for a gig in a small town. His impresario said, "Do your very best. The audience may not look much but people round here have suddenly become rich growing tomatoes."
"Tomatoes?" shouted the singer. "Forget it. I'm going back to London. Tomatoes cost the earth there - no one can afford to sling them around."
"Well dear," asked the infant's new teacher, "Are you a good boy?"
"Actually," replied the child, "I'm the sort of brat my mummy is always telling me never to play with."
A man complained to his neighbour at the bar, "Yesterday, I thought I'd solved all my problems. I thought I'd found a way to forget my mother-in-law. I went to the pub and got drunk."
"Did it work?"
"No, when I got home I found two of her waiting."
A customer in a shoe-shop heaved a sigh of relief: "At last, a pair that fits me."
"Not surprising," replied the weary salesman. "They're the ones you came in wearing, sir."
A furious woman tackled her husband.
"It appears you've been telling everyone I'm a nag."
"On the contrary," he replied, "Everyone tells me."
"It's true. And in reply, I only ask 'Who're you telling?'"
In the public house, an unmasked husband sighed to his friend: "When I think that some inventor spent months, years even, developing a lie detector! All they had to do was meet my wife."
A foreign tourist watched a bullfight in Spain, and its popularity. Afterwards, he said to a local,
"How amazing that bulls react like that when they see a red cape."
"O no sir," came the reply. "Bulls don't move a muscle. It's cows that react to a red cape, sir."
"Then why did the bulls react so violently today?" insisted the foreigner.
"They were annoyed at the man who thought they were cows."
McTavish, a Scotsman, went to a ski resort. He told the instructor,
"I want to learn to ski on one leg."
"Certainly sir, but why?"
"I'll only need to hire one ski."
"Tarzan," queried Jane, "Why do you have to bellow so when you swing through the jungle?"
"I'm under contract darling," replied the lord of the jungle. "This pharmaceutical company make sore throat lozenges."
"Are my new glasses ready yet?" the customer asked the pretty young optician.
"Certainly sir, but do try them first."
"Perfect. I can see you very well. Good-bye young man."
A dim young man replied to an advert seeking volunteers for scientific research. The chief scientist, explaining they were trying to find the results of a meeting between a man and a female gorilla, asked, "Are you willing for $5,000?"
"Certainly," replied the volunteer. "But with three conditions. One, I want an armed man in the cage with us, in case things turn out nasty. Two, to make the gorilla more sexy, I would like her to wear lipstick. Three, can I pay by three installments?"
"What's this I hear, old pal? Your wife's left you, old man? Well, why don't you go home and drown your sorrows in booze?"
A randy king once asked a lady of his court,
"Which is the shortest route to your bedroom?"
"Via the church," she smiled.
A man went into a shop and asked for a muzzle. He rejected the one offered as unsuitable.
"I'm sure it'll work," replied the shopkeeper who was annoyed at the rejection. "I sold one to a lady only half an hour ago. She was very satisfied with it."
"That may be, but mine is for my dog."
In the middle of the night an old maid telephoned,
"Come quickly, there's a man trying to climb into my bedroom through the window."
"You've got the wrong number. This is the fire brigade. Call the police."
"I know what I'm doing. You come at once, d'you hear? His ladder's too short."
"Honestly," complained the rich lady in the cocktail bar to her friend, "You can't trust anyone these days."
"How d'you mean?"
"Why only today, my husband had to sack his cashier."
"What did he do?"
"Took a hundred pounds from the till."
"How did he find out?"
"Thanks to me. He was two hundred short and I told him I'd only taken a hundred."
A man in a Scottish bar complained,
"Laddy, there's no ham in this ham sandwich."
"That's strange sir. Try another bite."
"No. Still no ham."
"That explains it sir, you've gone past it now."
The school teacher had just told the story of the wolf and the lamb.
"So you see, children, the wolf ate the naughty lamb because it disobeyed."
"Yes miss," pointed out a youngster. "And if the lamb had been good, we would have eaten it ourselves."
Two college lecturers were comparing notes.
"Tell me, how do you know it's time to finish your lecture?"
"Simple. When they start looking at their watches every ten minutes, it is time to start summing up. But, when one starts to change the batteries, I know it's time to stop."
In a doctor's waiting-room, a male patient timidly approaches the woman waiting next to him.
"Excuse me, are you here for the sex-change operation too?"
"Well, if they fit you, would you swop your skirt for my trousers?"
Father is reading Cinderella to his son to send him to sleep.
"Daddy," interrupts the wide-awake youngster, "When the pumpkin changed into a golden carriage, what did Cinderella declare on her tax return - extra income or capital growth?"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have asked you all to come here today to convince you just how dangerous alcohol is. So, together, let's throw all our bottles of wine and spirits into the sea..."
Not one of the audience moved. One man began to applaud like mad.
"Thank you sir. You agree with me?"
"You bet. I'm a beachcomber."
A teacher was giving her class of small children a lesson on good manners.
"Suppose, by mistake, you step on a lady's foot. What do you do?"
"I say pardon me."
"Very good. Now suppose the lady, to reward you, gives you a coin. What do you do?"
"Step on the other foot to get a second one."
A visitor gave the young son of the house a small coin. He slipped it into his pocket without a word. Scandalised, his mother prompted,
"What do you say to the lady?"
"Yes you do. What do I say when daddy gives me money?"
"You say, 'Is that all?'"
A doctor left his patient's bedside to return to the husband waiting anxiously outside the door.
"I'm afraid I don't like the look of your wife."
"Nor do I doctor," said the man, relieved. "But she had a beautiful dowry."
A man returned home earlier than usual. His son met him, very upset, and crying,
"Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom."
"There's a what?"
"A monster. And he's hidden in mummy's wardrobe."
So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door. Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses.
"Twenty years, you've been my friend," bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, "And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy."
A policeman visited a fortune-teller.
"One of your clients has lodged a complaint against you. I must arrest you for fraud."
"Which client?" she demanded.
"But madam, surely you must know."
"I'll write a sentence on the board," said the teacher. "Tell me what is wrong with it."
She wrote: "I did not have very happy holidays."
"Now Henry, what's wrong with that?"
The child hesitated. "Perhaps if you'd taken a boyfriend along."
In the courtroom.
Judge: "I don't understand how a man of your size could beat a tiny woman like your wife."
Accused: "She forced me into it, Your Honour."
Judge: "Impossible! How?"
Accused: "She kept on saying 'Go on, beat me. Then see if I don't find a judge stupid enough to send you to prison.'"
Judge: "Case dismissed."
(In England, when you talk to a judge in court, you call him "my Lord".)
A man was arrested for being drunk. He was taken to court and appeared before a judge. Still drunk, he turned towards the bench and protested that he was innocent. "I was as drunk as you are. As drunk as a judge."
The judge was annoyed. He corrected the man "The correct expression is 'As sober as a judge'. Another expression exists. One can say 'As drunk as a Lord'."
"Yes my Lord. Sorry my Lord. Well that is how drunk I was."
Two psychiatrists were comparing cases. One said,
"For several weeks I've been treating someone who thinks he is a taxi."
"What treatment did you use?"
"None at all. Why should I? After each consultation, he carries me home on his shoulders."
A lawyer was at his wits-end to defend an obviously guilty client. In desperation, he cried,
"But Your Honour, you wouldn't have the heart to condemn someone at Christmas time."
"True," replied the judge. "Judgement deferred until next week."
"Why does it have to be granny who gives you your cod liver oil?" asked an exasperated mother.
"Because she trembles so much," smirked the child, "She always spills half of it."
Two old ladies were talking.
"How is your grandson getting on? "asked one.
"Fine, fine. You know he works in a theatre? Only a week ago, he was the back legs of a pantomime horse. Now he's been promoted to the front legs."
A stockbroker lay in hospital coming round after an operation. He heard the nurse taking his temperature say:
"Good," said the patient, half-asleep. "When it reaches 100 sell the lot."
A man went into a travel agent's and asked for a brochure on Greece. Inside, he saw pictures of all the famous Greek sites.
"If everywhere is in ruins, miss, "he asked the employee, "Do you give discounts?"
A mother admitted to her friend, "I've just learnt that I'm too strict with my little son."
"What makes you think that?"
"Yesterday, in the department store, he got lost. The store detective asked his name and he replied 'John Don't-touch-that'."
A cannibal spent four years studying at Oxford University. At the end of it, he was asked,
"When you return to the jungle, will you still continue to eat human flesh?"
"Of course I will," he replied, "But I'll always use a knife and fork."
A proper little madam proclaimed everywhere she went,
"I'm General X's daughter."
Her mother tried to make her more modest by ordering,
"You must not boast to everyone who your father is."
The next day, the pair were stopped in the street by an old family friend who had not seen them for a while.
"Aren't you General X's daughter?"
"That's what I've always thought", replied the little minx, "But now mummy tells me I must not say who my father really is. Especially as he is nothing to boast about."
An entomologist is demonstrating to his students.
"For my first experiment, I take a fly, put it under a microscope and tell it to fly. There - you can see it fly off."
"For my second experiment, I take the same fly, remove its wings, and tell it to fly. But, you can see, it does no such thing. Conclusion - it isn't listening any longer."
In a psychiatric hospital, a doctor was examining a patient.
"Why are you laughing so heartily?"
"I was telling myself funny stories and I'd just told one I'd never heard before."
An impresario organised an audition with a TV producer for his star performer. This was a dog which could talk, sing and tell jokes. The producer was highly impressed but when he produced a contract to sign, a bigger dog ran howling into the room, grabbed the performing dog by the scruff of its neck and both ran off.
"What's going on?" demanded the producer.
"That was its mother," sighed the impresario. "She wants her son to be a doctor."
Two rabbits were reminiscing in a wood.
"D'you remember Johnny? Have you heard how he got on?"
"O yes, he's riding round Paris these days, masquerading as a mink."
There was show-jumping on the television and a horse had just had a very bad round.
"That horse was exhausted," said a viewer. "Turn off the set a while, dear, and give him a chance to recover."
In a school in the States, the teacher had just described Christopher Columbus' discovery of America.
"Just imagine, children, if he had not risked the ocean, you would not be here today. Wasn't he marvellous?"
All the children cheered, except one.
"Aren't you pleased young fellow?"
"I'm an Indian."
A docker consulted his doctor about his liver. The doctor, knowing he drank heavily, warned, "This could get serious. Stick to water in future."
Meeting up some months later on the quayside, the doctor said, "I hope you took my advice?" "O yes, doctor," replied the man. "I'm a diver now."
A baby catfish in a pond swam up to the surface of the water. It saw a cat leaning out over the bank. So the tiny catfish, very impressed, swam down again quickly. "Mummy, come quick, I've just seen God."
In Chicago, a wronged wife consulted her lawyer.
"I want a divorce," she announced.
"Easy ma'am. I just need a deposit of 500 dollars."
"500 dollars?" she gasped." Forget it. I can get him wiped out for half that."
Two lovers of whodunnits were discussing their books on a train.
"What's your book about?"
"The French Revolution."
"No victim yet?"
"O yes, Louis XVI."
"Any idea whodunnit?"
Mary applied for a job as a waitress.
"Any references?" asked the owner, looking her up and down.
"I worked for five years in the Savoy Grill."
"Can you prove it?"
"Easily. I've dozens of little spoons at home with their initials on."
One night at sea, in a thick fog, a captain noticed what appeared to be the lights of another ship approaching. So he megaphoned,
"Change course ten degrees south."
The answer came back, "You change course ten degrees north."
Annoyed, he bellowed, "I'm a captain and I order you to change course ten degrees south."
Back came the answer, "I'm a lighthousekeeper and I order you to change course ten degrees north."
"I have started to doubt the competence," a wife told her husband, "of the plumber you called."
"Before he repaired the tap in the kitchen sink, he put on a lifebelt."
Mr and Mrs Jones took a seaside holiday. On their first evening, they went to a restaurant and Mr Jones ordered steak. "Whatever possessed you?" asked his wife. "Here we are by the sea. We should have fish."
"You're quite right, dear," he replied. "Waiter, make that a trout."
In the playfield, the infants are talking about their arithmetic lesson. One little boy is worried.
"Suppose she tells me I have four apples and asks me to share them between us five friends. I don't see how I can manage it." "Easy," replied a little girl. "Stew them."
"Doctor," said his receptionist, "There's one patient left. He says he's consulted all the other doctors in town."
"What is he complaining of?"
"All the other doctors in town."
A young man who had just completed his military service was complaining how hard it had been.
"It wasn't as bad as that," his father objected. "I got you a cushy number in the Air Force. You could drive and sleep at home every night."
"True. But you've forgotten the traffic jams."
Two sheep were talking.
"You look really tired," one said.
"I know," replied the other. "I had to count 500 shepherds last night before I could get to sleep."
"Darling, I'd go through fire and water for you," exclaimed the ardent young lover.
"I know, " she replied, bored. "But you're a fireman."
Three men, grandfather, father and son, lived together. At the other end of the village lived a woman called Blodwen who sold her body for money. One afternoon, the son said, "I'm off to visit Blodwen." After two hours, he returned, very satisfied, and said,
"That Blodwen. What passion! What passion!"
Next morning, the father said,
"I'm off to visit Blodwen." After four hours, he returned, very satisfied, and said,
"That Blodwen. What passion! What passion!"
Next day, the grandfather said,
"I'm off to visit Blodwen." Two days later, he returned, very satisfied, and said,
"That Blodwen. What patience! What patience!"
Old Matthew, recently widowed, lost his cow as well. He had only moderately bewailed his wife but showed himself inconsolable over the cow.
The village vicar took him to task.
"A wife is worth more than a cow," he insisted.
"I can prove the contrary," replied Matthew. "Since I've been widowed, I've been offered at least ten wives. But no one has offered me a cow."
A geneticist had just crossed a parrot with a homing pigeon. "That way," he exclaimed, "If it gets lost, it can always ask the way home."
"What is your grievance?" the judge asked the husband in the divorce court.
"My wife grew more and more reluctant to prepare my meals," he replied. "To start with, she would just heat up a tin. Then she took to leaving the tin in the fridge. But the day I decided on divorce was when she left a note: 'Off playing bridge with Susan. There's a good recipe in Woman's Weekly.'"
While spending the weekend in her country cottage, a lady phoned her neighbour who was a very pretty girl.
"Would you mind," she asked, "putting on a bathing costume and taking a sunbath stretched out in your garden."
"Not at all. But why?"
"I'd like my husband to cut the hedge."
Mary, a newly-wed, phoned her mother.
"Do you think you could persuade Daddy to lend me his car tomorrow morning?"
"Has your husband's broken down then?"
"No, but he promised to teach me to drive."
"A reporter got fed up with being fobbed off by secretaries when he tried to make an appointment with famous people. So he thought up a ruse.
Whenever the secretary asked, "What do you want to talk about?" he would reply with a menacing tone,
"It's personal. Tell him 'It's the husband calling'."
It worked every time.
John lost his voice so he went to the doctor. He rang the bell and a pretty nurse answered the door.
"Is the doctor in," he whispered because that was all he could manage.
The nurse whispered back sympathetically, "No sir. You can come in. His wife's quite alone."
A teacher set an arithmetic problem.
"You have six pounds in your pocket. You lose four. What do you have in your pocket?"
Back flashed the answer: "A hole."
A five-year-old approached a store detective.
"Please sir," he started, "my mother's got lost. When you find her, could you tell her I'll be waiting at the toy counter. And she's not to worry."
"I don't understand," a mother chided her daughter. "You spend half an hour a day with the chemist but you're engaged to the doctor."
"I have to mummy. Only the chemist can read the love letters he writes."
Two friends were having a quiet drink. One said,
"You don't look very cheerful. Anything up?"
"I've just found out that I talk in my sleep."
"Well that's not serious."
"It is when it disturbs the other clerks in the office."
A police sergeant congratulated a lady who had overpowered a burglar.
"Only," he said, "You shouldn't have beaten him up so."
"Sorry officer, "she replied. "My husband hadn't come home and, for a moment, I thought that is who it was."
A boozy man went into the registry office.
"Morning gents, I want to register the birth of twins."
"Certainly," replied the official, "But why say 'gents'? I'm the only one here."
"Really?" burped the happy father. "In that case, I'll nip back to the clinic for a recount."
The doctor used his stethoscope on the patient. Finally, he said, "I hesitate between appendicitis and brain damage. I'll come back tomorrow. Don't worry. If you're still alive, it's appendicitis."
A tax inspector working in the African bush, tried to explain to a native why he had to pay taxes.
"This money that you give the government comes back to you," he said. "The government will ensure you never go hungry." "I see," replied the native. "It's like if I cut the tail off my dog to give it a bone to eat."
In a butcher's shop there was a special offer on pâté.
"What sort is it?" asked a customer.
"Half beef, half quail," replied the butcher.
"Quail is expensive. Are you sure it's really half and half?"
"Positive," replied the butcher. "I put in one cow to every quail."
A butcher in a small town always boasted that he never ate sausages. He did not eat other butchers' sausages because he did not know what was in them. He did not eat his own sausages because he knew - only too well - what was in them.
A toddler teetered to the garden gate but, seeing a big dog, he hesitated to enter.
"Come in, my dear," called out the owner. "He doesn't bite."
"No," replied the child. "But does he swallow?"
Joe bought a new parrot and bet his friends it could recite Shakespeare. Put to the test however, the parrot stayed dumb. Joe had to pay up. He grumbled,
"Not only did I pay a fortune for you but now I've had to pay my gambling debts."
"Not to worry," answered the parrot. "Next time you'll get a hundred to one and I'll do all of Hamlet."
A tramp stopped a passer-by. "Do give me a fiver," he requested.
"A fiver? What for?"
"For lunch. I haven't eaten yet."
"Well, I haven't eaten lunch either."
"Fine. Give me a tenner and I'll treat you."
An old lady was annoyed to see her little niece pulling faces.
"When I was little," she pointed out, "My mummy warned me that if I kept on making faces, I would grow up ugly."
"Ah," said the girl, "You should have listened to her."
A private detective made his report to his client who was a jealous married woman. "I've followed your husband for two days now. He went into ten women's clothes shops and ten ladies' hairdressers."
"I knew it!" sighed the woman. "How many mistresses does he keep?"
"None madam. I've made enquiries everywhere. He was looking for you."
The condemned man was about to climb onto the scaffold when the executioner offered him a last glass of whisky.
"No thanks," he replied. "If I do, I always suffer bellyache for a week afterwards."
Does a monkey trainer make a good living?
Not really - he only gets peanuts.
A very timid couple had been going out together for fifteen years. One day the girl plucked up her courage.
"Don't you think dear," she suggested, "it is time to get married?"
"Certainly," he replied, "but who'd want us?"
A cat, Figaro, comes in for his supper between ten and eleven every evening. When he is late, his owner puts on the outside light and calls until he comes. One day, she heard her daughter explaining where she lived to a friend. "I see," replied the other child. "That's the house where the lady sings opera outside her front door in the middle of the night."
A young American returned stateside after a honeymoon spent in Europe and went to have tea at her mother's house.
"Well, darling, and did the honeymoon go well?"
"Fine. John was just like before."
"And Europe. How was that?"
"And what struck you most in Europe?"
The young woman thought for only two seconds before replying, "John."
A new tiger arrived in the circus. The other tigers greeted him with, "What a pity you weren't here in the days of our old trainer. He was kind, dedicated and ... delicious."
91. Two gossips were talking about a third after her prolonged stay in hospital. They discussed every gory detail of her illness and one said, "She had her leg off. Right down to the foot."
An old Russian proverb says "No man keeps warm long by peeing in his shoe".
After the flood had subsided, Noah said to the animals, "Go forth and multiply."
"I can't," replied a snake. "I'm only an adder."
A driver was lost in the countryside. He did not like to admit it so only asked a local,
"How far down that road is Little Wallop?"
"If my memory serves me right and my school geography was correct - about six thousand miles. But if you turn and go the other way - three."
"Is this the road to Little Wallop, my man?"
"Forget him George - the man's a fool."
"I may be a fool but I bain't lost."
A woman drove off the road into a ditch. A man came along with a horse and cart.
"Don't worry m'dear. It don't take me more than an hour to get pregnant women out of ditches."
"I'm not pregnant."
"And you're not out of the ditch yet either."
Why are girls always so bad at geometry?
Because boys are used to looking at curves.
A boy met a very innocent girl and went to bed with her. Afterwards, she asked, "My mummy always told me to be good. Was I?"
Back in Victorian England, a colonel married a young lady. While they were in bed the morning after, she asked him, "Do ordinary soldiers do this with their women?"
"And sergeants with their wives?"
"Well tell them to stop - it's too good for them."
"Waiter, I want two pieces of toast please."
"Of course sir."
"Just a minute. The first piece must be black one side and white the other. The second one must be half soggy, half brittle."
"I'm not sure we can manage that."
"You did yesterday morning."