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A passage

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A passage

Unread postby henz988 » Sat Jan 27, 2007 4:50 pm

Could you please check this passage for me?

Knowledge acquirement is mainly a process of your own. A good environment, voluminous books and even other aids, such as having the enlightening instructions of excellent teachers and friends, do not necessarily turn scholar in you, even if you do have benefited much from them. Instead, many stories behind prominent learners tell us that these people are not gifted with these conditions. Sticking at your work is always the dominant factor to success. Not being ready for the learning hardships, many people have failed to undergo them and therefore they can’t enjoy the pleasure of dominating the valley of knowledge.

Thank you in advancd!
henz988
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Posts: 9
Joined: Sat Dec 16, 2006 12:19 pm
Location: China

proofreading...

Unread postby eric_p_m » Sun Jan 28, 2007 12:57 am

Dear Henz988,

Re-write your paragraph, eliminating first and second person usage. Also, are you thinking in English or in Chinese while composing in English? If you are thinking in Chinese, write in Chinese... if you are going to write in English, think in English so that you may interpret effectively.

Once you have re-written and proofread your work, I will give you further advice. :wink:


Sincerely,

Eric Paul Monroe
eric_p_m
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Unread postby henz988 » Sun Jan 28, 2007 3:28 am

I'm not sure whether this is an improved version:

Knowledge acquirement is mainly a process of one’s own. Outside advantages of good living conditions, adequate books, enlightening instructions of excellent teachers and advice from friends, etc, do not necessarily help one to become a scholar, though people can benefit much from them. After all, there are too many prominent scholars’ stories that can tell us that they, not gifted with these advantages,succeed through their own unremitting efforts. Sticking at work on one’s own is always the dominant factor to success. Not being ready for hardships, many people fail to be persevering and in the end, they can’t enjoy the pleasure of dominating the valley of knowledge.

Looking forward to your futher advice.
henz988
Member
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Sat Dec 16, 2006 12:19 pm
Location: China

proofreading...

Unread postby eric_p_m » Sun Jan 28, 2007 6:07 am

Dear Henz988,

You almost followed instructions. You should completely remove instances of the first person, both singular and plural: us. This might require you to rephrase your sentence, but don't be afraid to do so.

Now, you need to attack the third person in your paragraph. Here is an opportunity to further enhance your lexical development: paraphrase "they", "their", "those" and "many people" by using your new friend called a thesaurus:

http://www.thesaurus.com/

After you have made these corrections, proofread your work, re-write, and then proofread your paragraph once more before submitting it here again and then I will assist you even further.


Sincerely,

Eric Paul Monroe
eric_p_m
Prolific Member
Prolific Member
 
Posts: 109
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:10 pm
Location: United States
Status: Teacher Trainer

Unread postby henz988 » Sun Jan 28, 2007 11:14 am

Thanks a ton for your kind reply.
henz988
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Posts: 9
Joined: Sat Dec 16, 2006 12:19 pm
Location: China


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