Joke
Posted by: Josef EssbergerWe all like to laugh at some time. And we all enjoy a good joke. Tell us a joke that makes you laugh.
Posted by Josef Essberger January 2008
Contributor: Josef Essberger, founder of EnglishClub. Originally from London, England, Josef is the author of several books for learners of English including English Prepositions List and Learn English in 7.78 comments
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faches says:
oh my gud my english is very poor i cannot writing correct english my english make me lough when i see my english hahaha
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faches says:
one day there was a cut morahton and so winner one very tinn cut so all can not believe it so they ask him
Q: how did you won it CAT?
A: do not ask me loudly i am not CAT i am hangry TIGER -
qihong says:
All the time ,i just listen some jokes from the others,i have never told one joke by myself. and i cant remember the jokes i listened,only when i hear it the second time , i will remember i heard it before. So i am sorry, i have a so weak memory, and it is the biggest proplem in learning english.
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Umida says:
son: daddy what does the word “branch” mean?
father: hmm, I don’t know how to explain, for example your pot is a branch of our toilet -
puton says:
to puta mae
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puton says:
dsdfarf
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puton says:
bsrtbsrtb
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Riddoua says:
Three step-sisters conversed between them, the older said I have 5 fathers, the middle replied I have 6 fathers. So the younger begun to cry and told her mother, why my sisters have 5 and 6 fathers but me I have just one, I need more father too….
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eggy says:
it is very good joe
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alissa says:
Q:Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A:He was looking for pooh!!!!! -
Maryna says:
sorry 4 my mistakes
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Maryna says:
the jokes R amazing :) I*ve heard a pretty number of them, but can*t write any :) I*ve forgotten them all :(
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nida says:
a man went to a pawn shop a placed a jacket on th counter.” how much will yo give me for this jacket”
“100bucks” the shopkeeper said. “but its worth a thousand bucks” the man protested. the shop keeper was adamant “hundred or nothing” he said”are you sure thats all its worth”the man asked.”positive ” the shopkeeper said.”okay” said the man “here ‘s your 100 bucks i saw you jackets hanging on the doorway and wanted to buy it”. -
Mehmet says:
Sorry I dont know culture jokes
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Bedru says:
A man asked his wife,”Where is the three kilogram meat I bought for the barbique.”
The wife responded,”The cat ate all of it”
The man couldn’t beleive that the cat can eat all the three kilogram meat.So,he brought a beam balance,put the cat on the balance and found out that the cat weighed only three kilogram.Looking at his wife,the man said,”If what is on this balance is the the cat where is the meat or If what on this balance is the meat where is the cat.” -
Ehb says:
The same two drunk men continued walking along the road on their way home when one of them saw a dirt lying on their path.
1st DRUNK MAN: Hey man, there’s a “dog shit” on the road.
2nd DRUNK MAN: That’s not a “dog shit”, that’s a mud.
1st DRUNK MAN: Surely, that’s a “dog shit”!
2nd DRUNK MAN: I know a “dog shit” when I see one. I’m telling you that’s a mud.
1st DRUNK MAN: Ok, to end this argument why don’t you taste it and tell me if that’s a “dog shit” or a mud
The 2nd DRUNK MAN dipped his finger and tasted it…
2nd DRUNK MAN: Oh man! You’re right, its a “dog shit”! It’s good we didn’t stepped on it…
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Ehb says:
There were two drunk men walking along the road arguing…
1st DRUNK MAN: We spent a lot of hours in that bar and now the “SUN” is already up. My wife will surely kill me…
2nd DRUNK MAN; You’re wrong man, that’s not “SUN” that’s a “MOON”! Look around you, it’s still a little bit dark. So, that’s a “MOON”!
1st DRUNK MAN: That’s “SUN”!
2nd DRUNK MAN: No, that’s “MOON”
While they were arguing, there was a passerby walking towards them. They called the man and asked him.
DRUNK MEN: Hey dude! My friend and I are arguing if that’s a “SUN” or a “MOON”. Can you tell us what that is?
PASSERBY: Oh, I’m sorry sir I’m not from around here. I was just passing by…
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Ehb says:
Peter, Paul and John were stucked in an isolated island after their plane crashed. They were just wondering around when Peter saw a “Magic Lamp”. He rubbed it and “The Genie” came out…
GENIE: Thank you for letting me out and because of that I am giving each one of you ONE wish… What would it be?
Peter, being the more alert one stepped forward and made a wish…
PETER: I wish that I am home right now with my family…
GENIE: Your wish is my command…
Then Peter vanished in front of Paul and John…
Paul being the more intelligent one was thinking of what he could possibly wish that would be better than that of Peter’s. After taking much thought he stepped forward and made his wish…
PAUL: I wish to have a very expensive and fancy YACHT so that I can sail home with my family…
GENIE: Your wish is my command… A very expensive and fancy YACHT appeared in front of Paul and John. So, Paul went inside the Yacht then sailed home.
John, being the dumbest can’t make-up his mind of what to wish. “The Genie” waited for John’s wish…. Hours and days have passed when John called “The Genie” to make a wish…
JOHN: Hey “Genie”! It’s kinda boring out here and I missed my friends. I wish that Peter and Paul would be here with me!
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Ehb says:
One night a man was having a nightmare…
MAN: Shouting, perspiring and very scared while asleep.. “Noooo!!!!!”, “Noooo!!!!”, “Noooo!!!
WIFE: Wake-up dear, wake-up, you’re having a nightmare…
When the man woke-up he asked for a glass of water. While drinking, his wife asked him…
WIFE: Dear, what was you’re nightmare about?
MAN: Oh dear, it was very scary. I saw you in my dream wearing a two piece bathing suit…
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Ehb says:
Correction… It was the BANK ROBBER who asked the man’s name and not the POLICE…
Sorry…
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Ehb says:
There was a bank robber who decided to kill someone from his hostages because the police were trying to go inside the bank to arrest him. He chose one lady who was sitting next to him and asked her name….
BANK ROBBER: I want to know your name before I kill you. What’s your name?
the lady replied:
LADY: I’m Maria
BANK ROBBER: Hmmmm… You’re lucky! Since your name is the same with that of my mother, I won’t kill you.
So, the bank robber asked Maria to go back to her seat and pulled the man next to Maria. Again, the bank robber asked the man’s name:
POLICE: Before I kill you I want to know your name
the man over hearing the conversation of Maria and the bank robber replied:
MAN: My name is Paul but you can call me MARIA…
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mohammed says:
i went to restrunt with my friends to eat special food but when we finished the food we relized no one has money.
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sema says:
a man was talking to his fiancee:I”m not as rich as my friend jake and i don’t have Mercedes and boat like him but i love you so much..
then the fiancee answered him: I love you too but tell me more about your friend jake… -
ekasofia says:
LOL
this joke make me laugh..
thank you -
SUJATHA says:
“Life is short, and we do not have much time to gladden the hearts of those
who make this earthly pilgrimage with us. So, be swift to love, make haste
to do kindness, shower abundant hospitality on friend and stranger, walk in
justice, that you may follow the path of mercy and love.” -
SUJATHA says:
who care’s for you nobody ll listen them but the person who cares for you whether u listen them or not they wont cares.
its a thought but every body takes like a joke its a fact of life but it nice when we enjoy it……. hahahaha ……… -
Aia says:
ููุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุซุฑ !!!!!!!!!!! ูููููููููููููููููููููููููููููููููููููููููู
ููุฑู ุฑุงุญ ูููู ู ุุุุุุุุุุธุธ ููููููููููููููููููููููููููููู
ุณููู ุณููู ููููููููููููููููููููููููููููููููููููููู -
kawthar says:
ุจุณ ุจุฏู ุงููู ุงูู ููุช ุงูุนุฑุจ ุงุญูู ..ุฑูุญู ุงุจูุฎ ู ูู ูุงูู..ุณููู ูุนูู ุณููู
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Juan Martin G says:
why did a man threw a piece of butter through his window?
Answer: Cuz’ he wanted to see a BUTTERFLY.
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Allen says:
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
What do you call a boomerang which doen’t come back?
A stick
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Cause he’s a funghy
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alotila says:
There was a NOAKHALI rich man. He is living in coutry side. He does not have idea in the modern world. One day he decided to go America and went Califurnia. He checked in a five star hotel. In the morning he went to toilet for toilet. But there was English Commode. He could not find out toilet. Then he did in his shoks. then he was thingking where he will push it and taking in a fingure and rounding. Suddently
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A says:
IM gonna tell you about a joke that you have never heard before .
It’s about a girl that scares herselfone day she was walking by her mirror and saw herself and got so scared that she never came home
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Zenonia says:
3 person from 3 different countries : Viet Nam , USA and England . They have to stay in a room for 1 month without food .If they can’t, they can ring the bell on top of the wall. The 1 person(USA) come in, 7 days later, the bell rang . The 2 person (England) come in, 12 days later , the bell rang. The 3 person come in (VIet Nam) , for a long time that the bell haven’t rung . They don’t know how and they open the door . He’s still alive . They asked :
_How do you still live ?
_ Because the bell is in the high that i can’t reach it -
rachelle betsy says:
um ,
I think not all of this jokes are enough funny.
But thanks for the jokes. , .
its quite make me happy. . . . -
maddox13 says:
I’m a jolly person who loves to laugh. But apparently my 2009 didn’t seem to be a good year for me. I cried a lot,spent a lot and got tired all throught the year.I’m a joker but often times I get misunderstood by other people.Some would find me very frank and sarcastic at times.
I was so sad a month ago and a friends cracked a joke then he said.There were four people talking on a boat an American,Korean,Japanese and a Filipino.While on the boat the American showed his laptop and threw it into the sea, the Filipino reacted why did you throw it? The American, said “we have a lot of laptop in America”. The Japanese, showed his portable DVD and threw it into the sea. But then again the Filipino complained why the did Japanese throw it too.Then he said “”we have a lot of portable DVD in Japan”. The Korean showed his mobile phone and then he threw it into the sea. The Filipino said “I know what will you say that you have a lot of mobile phone in Korea”,the Korean said “exactly!” The American, Japanese and the Korean asked the Filipino “What do you have a lot in Philippines?” The Filipino lifted the Korean and threw it into the sea.The American and Japanese wondered why.He said we have a lot of them in Philippines.
hahaha…lol….
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Risti, A 2006 PSIK UR says:
today,, I feel more confident study at nursing program in University of Riau (UR),
I am so happy, because I can learn so many thing about health, how to promote our health, how to prevent and other thing….
beside that, in PSIK I also have best friends and best lecture,,,
they always give me motivation to do the best….What about you??
do happy with your conditions today???? -
indri n' phoe A'06 PSIK UR says:
indri ask phoe: do you know why the little pig walk with the head bow?
phoe: mmmm,,,maybe because the head is too heavy for him
indri: ohh,,,of course it is not the reason.
phoe: ok,i am not a pig so that i don’t know about the reason
indri: but don’t you want to try to answer?
phoe:ok,i think it because he want to looks the street
indri:no, the reason is he felt shame because his mother is a PIG
phoe:#@*$#^%$#^&
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ijaw and vella A 06 PSIK UR says:
vella: ijaw…. do you know why does Superman always wear costume with ‘S’ as his symbol??
ijaw: (thinking hard and harder)ummmm….
because Superman start with S….
vella:no it’s wrong,,try your best…
ijaw:may be S for “Sexy”..
vella:no,,,, because if he use XL, it’s will be too large for him….
ijaw:ough! -
shirly says:
I want to learn english . I came united state miami 2 years ago
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Mohammad Rawoof says:
A biology teacher is disturbed by some of his class students who are making noice during lessons and don’t listen to the teacher. and while they are asked for answering a questions, they stay calm and can’t answer. one day the teacher came and told to his students that next day if any of you don’t answer my questions, he has to pay 10-Afs penalty to me…. so the class continues and the teacher collects money from the students. one day a student asked the teacher that while we don’t answer your questions, the we pay you 10-Afs but when you don’t answer our questions then? the teacher bravely replied, I will pay you 1000-Afs. then another day when the teacher got his 2000-Afs salary and entered to the class, the same student immediately asked the teacher, Sir: I have a question for you… the teacher said, yes, what is question. student said: where are those camels found that are in the size of cat? the teacher is thinking, thinking… and thinking… but could’nt answer. so the student asked for the 1000-Afs (Penalty money). So the teacher very sadly took out 1000-Afs from his pocket and gave it to the student. then immediately the teacher asked the student that now you tell me “where are those camels found that are in the size of cat”… so the student just answered him that sorry sir I don’t know and this is 10-Afs for my penalty.
Thanks,
[email protected] -
Salva says:
Hyna told his frind that,there is nothing that can make him cry.Two days after, they went to the morning place because his mother’s friend definitely died. On their way, he eat a scorpion and the scorpion stung his month then , he stated to cry, who is the creator of this animal,he said.it is god replied his frind.Is there any femal sex that can give birth to this animal? he asked again.Finally, he said I am crying because of your mother not because of the scorpion sting… do you undestand this joke?
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[email protected] says:
why the bjondine dont do the home work………????? cos she live in the flat :P
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[email protected] says:
in kosova….one boy met a famous person and ask him why you are famous he say: i didnt go to school…..it’s hard to understand
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manikandan says:
The boy prayed: oh god give me 1 bag full of money a job, 1 big vehile and many girls. god said: ur wish is ful filled.
The boy become a conductor in ladies bus….
Did u undarstand???
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manikandan says:
A little Devil came and asked me…. i want to trouble some good people. i suggested your name. it slapped me and told we dont play with our boss….
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Kiba's Girl says:
Your jokes are awesome but too long!
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Ryan says:
there was a lot of fish in the water, but suddenly they disappeared. Why?
-A lion in the fridge was fallen off and dive to the water.
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Ryan says:
there was an party for animals.
What didn’t come to the party?-lion
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Ryan says:
A airplane was falling down, and there was an announcement sayin ‘if something heavy fall off from the aeroplane, we all can live.’
what fell off from the aeroplane?-lion in fridge
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Ryan says:
how to put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
-open , put it in , and close the door.how to put an lion in the fridge in 4 steps?
-open, take the elephant out, put the lion in, and close the door -
Linda k hollywood says:
To day I have a funny joke to make you laugh
This joke may be hazardous to your bad mood.
Read with caution.
What is the thirstiest frog in the world?
The one that drank Canada Dry!
What do fashion fab frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
The elephant’s shadow.
How does an elephant get out of a small car?
The same way he got in.
Why would you take a bear to the zoo?
Because he’d rather go to the movies.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Coka Koala!
What is the favorite meal?
Baked being!
What do you call a show full of lions?
The mane event!
Lions eat people on what day?
Chewsday!
What do tiger sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells,jungle bells.
Why do cheetahs eat raw meat?
Because they can’t cook!
What is a monkey’s favorite cookie?
Chocolate chimp!
What do you call a naughty monkey?
A badboon!
What do you call an exploding monkey?
A baboom!
What did the female cat say to the male cat?
You’re the purrfect cat for me!
What is a cat’s favorite color?
Purrrple.
Hope my funny joke can make you smile or make you frustrate! Hu..La…La…Ha…..5555555Best Wish everyone!
Linda K (Hollywood) -
lananh says:
one moring i was on the subway to school with my friend,we sit at the end of the train, it’s was very quiet, beacause everybody were doing there own business,sudently i heard a very weird sound: boop boop boop SIzzzzzzzz… ( can you imagine what’s mean) it came from my friend.And everyone trun to look at us, of coz my friend didn’t know what’s going on beacuase he was listening to music by his ipot, oh my god this is so ashmed,( he farted), on the way to class i couldn’t stop laughing, and when i told him whatwas happend, he srated to explain , that was he though they opened the music on the train, so he just waited when the the musical play the bass part, and it was so lound enough for him to do it,coz there wont be anyone can hear that sound comes from him, but unfortunatly it’s only him who listening to his own music . and hahahah hihihihi.from that day i name for that thing is IPOT FARTING
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Linda k hollywood says:
Money become first.
Love followed when you got money.
Sex’s later if you rich.
Is not a Joke and make you smile.Bye-Bye
Linda k -
Linda k Hollywood says:
What do you give a pony with a cold?
Cough stirrup.What is a horse’s favorite sport?
stable tennis.What do you give a sick pig?
oinkment.what did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.What a cow’s favorite drink?
Lemooooonade.What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.Ha 55555555555
Good Bye
Have a nice smile
Linda k (hollywood) -
leeraay says:
One foreign guy ask another one, how do you clean you beard everyday? That guy answer, I use ” Soap”.
The asker ask again, egg soup or chicken soup? -
nagham says:
one day a man went to a restaurant . He ordered asoup.then he called the waiter:
– i want you to taste the soup.
– is there any thing wrong with it, sir?
– just taste it?
– why do you want me to do that? if there is any thing wrong just tell me.
– i want you to taste the soup or i’ll….
-ok ok i’ll taste it…. but where is the spoon?
-see. that is why……!!!!what do you think?
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Dayeon says:
um…um…
What word is always spelled incorrectly?
– Incorrectly.
What did one pencil say to the other pencil?
-You look sharp!
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
-Because 7 8(ate) 9
What bus crossed the ocean?
-Christopher ColumBUS.!!Thanks~
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laila says:
a man asked for ameal in a restaurant.the waiter brought the and put it on the table. after a moment,the man called the waiter and said:”waiter!waiter!ther’s a fly in my soup”.the waiter said:”please don’t speak so loudlly or everyone will want one”.
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padal says:
One day i was playing with my friend and i was running and my friend give me a punch and i throw my shoe on my friends face..HAHAHAHAHA what a lovely joke..
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padal says:
One day i was running and i fell over…hahaha what a joke.
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Issy Obu's says:
A pretty girl went to church , to make a confesion to a priest,and the man asked her what is the matter. She then said my boyfriend did something bad to me. The pastor now kissed her and said did he do this to u she said no, he hugged her and said did he do this to u she said no, he now pulled off her cloth and said did he do this to u, she said no,he now made love to her and said did he do this to u? She said no, then he now said what is the thing he did that is making u to be crying, then the girl said he gave me aids, the pastor,then fainted….
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Pham Duc Nam says:
-Excuse me . Do you see any policeman around here?
-No,I don’t.
-Is there any police station near here ?
-Yes ,there is , but it takes you 20 minutes to get there by motorbike. What is up ?
-Then don’t move ,take money out of your pocket, put your watch,ring,neckleck off right now. -
yenda says:
Pharmacist: What kind of vitamin that your son needs?
Mr. Perfect: Any kinds. It doesn’t matter because my son
is not able to read yet. He’s still 3 years old. -
jane_daria1991 says:
some jokes are funny
some are not but
its nice though -
trantrungkien says:
One man who was the manager of a prison has a pain in his eyes, he could not look as casual as others can. One day he met 3 prisoners and investigated them. Firstly, he looked at the first one and said: ” Who is Ali”. But the second man answered scarely: “Not me, sir”. The manager of prison shouted angrily” I don’t ask you” ” But, sir” said the third man” I say nothing at all”
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P.Ramachandra rao says:
Two persons converse with each other.
First one: How that you got so much property?
Other one: From my fore-fathers.
First one: My bad luck, I have only one father. You are lucky to have four fathers.
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Johan says:
If I had to give you something as a gift, I would give you a mirror, because after you, the most beautiful thing is your reflection
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Marisol says:
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?” To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”
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May says:
wonderful
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bashir says:
a man was once burried in remote place that nobody else was ever laid to rest, how ever one day, another body was laid next to him, so he started to scrumble, to make contact with his frist neighbor, and asked these questions
1-what did they call you sir?
2- how were the things back there?
3- did they finally get a cure for Aids?
4- did the people trust one onother yet?
and many more, untill the new corpse got irritated and said shut up idiot, -
lesly_black says:
dont marry a person who you love
marry a person who love you
but whatever you do
you will regret it later
….??????….. -
Dexin says:
“If you do not marry me, I’ll die.” he said.
But he was refused.
Sixty years later, he died…
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majo says:
wonder ful , thank you
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adem says:
Nassreddin is a famous and inteligent man in Turkey. he liwed before years years ago.
one day he escaped from his enemy. and he hidden in a sack.. a few minutes later the enmy was came beside to the sack. teh enemy kick the sack and a voฤฑce…potato…potato
bye -
faiza says:
once there was a party at the begining of the food table there was a huge pile of apples with a note “take one apple, no more, God is watching you”; at the end of the same table there was a huge pile of cookies with a note “eat as much as you like, God is busy watching the apples”
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July says:
There was a couple who live in a suburban area. One night after the dinner, the husband stepped out into the backyard to have a bit of fresh air, suddenly he heard a sound โthat must be an owlโs singingโ so he started to whisper to the owl, the owl also whispered back to him. From then, every night after the dinner he enjoys doing that.
One day, his wife told a neighbourโs wife about her husbandโs new hobby by whispering to an owl every night, the neighbourโs wife was very surprised and said โthat was what my husband has been doing every night after the dinner latelyโ. The two husbands were just whispering to each other and there wasnโt an owl at all.
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ana says:
ok…Fantastic…Very nice…..
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emil says:
One soldier was running to escape from the enemy. There was no place around to hide and jumped in an well. Ater few minutes the enemy came near the well and start asking himself:
‘May be the soldier is hidding in the well or in the near forest’.
Suddenly an echo was heard from the well:
‘In the forest, in the forest, in the forest…’.