How do you deal with a friend that is making bad choices

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Shazzam
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How do you deal with a friend that is making bad choices

Postby Shazzam » Wed Jul 13, 2005 11:23 am

Wow do i need some advice.

Without going into details I have a friend who is a lovely person; but i feel is very monetory orientated (ie loves money). Her marriage has broken up. Every time I try to offer her some advice (if it isn't what she wants to hear) I get tears and words that make me feel like I'm betraying her.

It is so upsetting.

I don't want to lose my friendship with her but I think in some of her decisions she has been so unfair. I have tried to voice this and she cries and tells me that she wasn't expecting that from me etc.

What do you do?

Any advice!

:cry: :?

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Postby Dixie » Wed Jul 13, 2005 1:28 pm

Something similar happened to me last week. I was trying to give some advice to a friend who had been in trouble and the more I tried to cheer him up the more upset he got :!: :shock: I was like, hey I am just trying to cheer you up, why do you get mad at me?

When we are sad, we expect our beloved to tell us things that comfort us. We want them to say what we want to hear. When they don't, we think they are against us; but all they are trying to do is to help.

Shazzam1452, maybe you should let your friend decide what she wants by herself. I mean, give her some advice, of course, tell her what you think regardless of whether she gets mad or not. You should be careful, obviously, but after all you're just trying to help her. Maybe she cannot see it now, since she's going through really hard times. But she will in the future. Don't worry, just do your best to help your friend, let her know you're there for her and will always be. Whenever she gets mad, just make it clear that you're just trying to tell her what you think it's best for her. She shouldn't get mad at you :!:

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Postby idalia » Thu Jul 14, 2005 4:04 am

What Dixie says is true, People always want us to say what they want to hear. However we can think in a different way from our friends and it doesn't mean that we're bad.

I suggest you to be with your friend any time she needs you. Listen to her, support her, and repeat her that you love her and you want the best for her. Express your opinion although it is completely different from hers. And don't feel sad if she disagrees with you.

A real friend always say the truth, he/she never lies just to make the other person feels good. :wink: :wink:

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Postby juhainah » Thu Jul 14, 2005 11:46 am

Let her calm down. Tell her in a cool way "if you need some advice, why do you become upset?. Tell her that you are trying to help her to get over pain and don't show any frustration upon her. Be patient with her. Perhaps she is moody and stubborn, understand her and give her a choice to decide what she needs and if some of her decisions are not ok, comment on that in a way that doesn't make her upset. You said she is a lovely person, so never break up this friendship as long as you find her lovely.

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Postby Shazzam » Thu Jul 14, 2005 10:03 pm

Dixie wrote:Something similar happened to me last week. I was trying to give some advice to a friend who had been in trouble and the more I tried to cheer him up the more upset he got :!: :shock: I was like, hey I am just trying to cheer you up, why do you get mad at me?

When we are sad, we expect our beloved to tell us things that comfort us. We want them to say what we want to hear. When they don't, we think they are against us; but all they are trying to do is to help.

Shazzam1452, maybe you should let your friend decide what she wants by herself. I mean, give her some advice, of course, tell her what you think regardless of whether she gets mad or not. You should be careful, obviously, but after all you're just trying to help her. Maybe she cannot see it now, since she's going through really hard times. But she will in the future. Don't worry, just do your best to help your friend, let her know you're there for her and will always be. Whenever she gets mad, just make it clear that you're just trying to tell her what you think it's best for her. She shouldn't get mad at you :!:


Thanks Dixie. The more I have thought about my situation I am starting to realise that where I have gone wrong is my friend doesn't really want my opinion or advice (this has been going on for a long time). I have just said "Great" "Wonderful" etc. Finally I stood up and said no that is a horrible thing to do to someone else you have to have a think about what you are doing. She didn't like that one bit!! I just need to get over it. I feel like I can't be myself with her and if that is the case I am starting to question this friendship. That sounds horrible! What do you think?

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Postby Shazzam » Thu Jul 14, 2005 10:05 pm

juhainah wrote:Let her calm down. Tell her in a cool way "if you need some advice, why do you become upset?. Tell her that you are trying to help her to get over pain and don't show any frustration upon her. Be patient with her. Perhaps she is moody and stubborn, understand her and give her a choice to decide what she needs and if some of her decisions are not ok, comment on that in a way that doesn't make her upset. You said she is a lovely person, so never break up this friendship as long as you find her lovely.


Now this is going to sound strange! She can be truly lovely ( I must admit not alot in the last couple of years) because money has taken over. However before that she was a really nice person. How do you stay friends with someone if you have to act and be someone else. Honest this is what I have been doing to keep this friendship going. :oops:

It would be nice if one day should would actually ask me "How are you?" "What have you been doing?"

Do you know what I mean.

:cry:

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Postby Dixie » Fri Jul 15, 2005 9:11 am

If you can't be yourself with your friends, BAD :!: You cannot pretend to be someone you are not. You should feel free to express your own opinions and feelings. If your friends can't accept that, then they are not your friends. In a friendship there is no room for egoticism. A friendship is about sharing. Your friend should understand and accept that; otherwise she cannot be called your friend.

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Postby idalia » Sat Jul 16, 2005 3:10 am

You can say that again Dixie! :wink: :wink: :wink:

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Re: How do you deal with a friend that is making bad choices

Postby Ms.A.Z » Sat Jul 16, 2005 6:03 am

shazzam1452 wrote:Without going into details I have a friend who is a lovely person; but i feel is very monetory orientated (ie loves money). ?


Hi Shazzam,

Tell me some thing,for how long you know your friend ? You said that she used to be a lovely person but lately she become a monetory orientated? If you know her very well, have you try to you find out why she changed or what made her to change like that ?

Every disease has a cause, and for every/almost every cause there is a cure. Try to find out what was the cause and you will find the cure very soon.

Don't get weak when your friend cries, its better she cries and get little hurt by your true advicies now THEN cring for the rest of her entire life.

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Re: How do you deal with a friend that is making bad choices

Postby Shazzam » Thu Jul 21, 2005 3:39 am

Ms.A.Z wrote:
shazzam1452 wrote:Without going into details I have a friend who is a lovely person; but i feel is very monetory orientated (ie loves money). ?


Hi Shazzam,

Tell me some thing,for how long you know your friend ? You said that she used to be a lovely person but lately she become a monetory orientated? If you know her very well, have you try to you find out why she changed or what made her to change like that ?

Every disease has a cause, and for every/almost every cause there is a cure. Try to find out what was the cause and you will find the cure very soon.

Don't get weak when your friend cries, its better she cries and get little hurt by your true advicies now THEN cring for the rest of her entire life.


She has always LOVED MONEY and spends like crazy. What has happened is that the money has run out and the stress over it has broken up her marriage. She is still trying to get money whatever way she can from her husband and is using it like a lolly with a child; if he is a good boy and keeps handing it over whenever she wants it she lets him see his children. I think it is terrible. He actually is a really nice man. He loves her very much. The problem is she doesn't love him and never did; she married him for money!!! Do you see where i'm going with this!!! Not good...I haven't heard from her now for quite sometime and I have decided that I'm better off. The whole thing is so negative that it was really upsetting me.

I just can't agree with some of the things that she does to people...

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Postby Ms.A.Z » Thu Jul 21, 2005 3:10 pm

HI Shazzam

WOW, I really don't know what to say to you especially after reading your last post. It seems like your friend dose not care about any thing else but money(I know a person who thinks some what like that too).I feel that I will be a bad person if I said that I agree with you, your better off way from her if she is that bad. Who knows maybe when all her friends and loved ones are go away from her maybe she might realise their value. I just hope it will not be too late.

I know one thing for sure relationships that are based on money never last forever infact they never begin :!:

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Postby Shazzam » Fri Jul 22, 2005 8:47 am

Ms.A.Z wrote:HI Shazzam

WOW, I really don't know what to say to you especially after reading your last post. It seems like your friend dose not care about any thing else but money(I know a person who thinks some what like that too).I feel that I will be a bad person if I said that I agree with you, your better off way from her if she is that bad. Who knows maybe when all her friends and loved ones are go away from her maybe she might realise their value. I just hope it will not be too late.

I know one thing for sure relationships that are based on money never last forever infact they never begin :!:


I agree! Money can't buy love! Ooops I sound like a Beatles song..... :lol:

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Postby juhainah » Mon Jul 25, 2005 11:44 am

I agree with what Ms.A.Z said. Probably when her friends leave her and money becomes over, she will realize that the path that she used to follow was misleading because friendship is valuable and can't be bought by money. However, leaving her is better be temporal as it should last until she changes into the best

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Postby Shazzam » Mon Aug 01, 2005 9:50 pm

juhainah wrote:I agree with what Ms.A.Z said. Probably when her friends leave her and money becomes over, she will realize that the path that she used to follow was misleading because friendship is valuable and can't be bought by money. However, leaving her is better be temporal as it should last until she changes into the best


Thankyou for your advice. I haven't spoken with her now for quite sometime and I must admit I feel more at peace with myself. I have heard from various friends that her behaviour is getting worse and that she is telling more and more lies to cover up her over-spending, she hides behind her Christianity saying that God will understand. But redemption to me is the only path if you want his help. She hasn't acknowledged that she has done anything wrong. I hate the way some people use their religion like this it makes me sick!! I have so misjudged her and realise now that she never really was a friend.

Using this forum has helped me immeasureably. Thankyou all so much.

:D

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Re: How do you deal with a friend that is making bad choices

Postby Danyet » Mon Aug 01, 2005 11:07 pm

shazzam1452 wrote:
She has always LOVED MONEY and spends like crazy. What has happened is that the money has run out and the stress over it has broken up her marriage. She is still trying to get money whatever way she can from her husband and is using it like a lolly with a child; if he is a good boy and keeps handing it over whenever she wants it she lets him see his children. I think it is terrible. He actually is a really nice man. He loves her very much. The problem is she doesn't love him and never did; she married him for money!!!

Are you sure this woman is an Aussie? She sounds very much like a typical American.
In an ideal world she would be reported to authorities, you know the guys with blue and white checkerboards around their hats and perhaps they would make her to go bake her husband a nice cake or perhaps a chocolate mousse or something :)

shazzam1452 wrote:she hides behind her Christianity saying that God will understand. But redemption to me is the only path if you want his help. She hasn't acknowledged that she has done anything wrong. I hate the way some people use their religion like this it makes me sick!!

She is not a true Christian is my thought or she would stay with her husband. Speak the truth plainly and calmly to her. Then let the chips fall where they may.

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Re: How do you deal with a friend that is making bad choices

Postby Shazzam » Mon Aug 01, 2005 11:13 pm

shazzam1452 wrote:
married him for money!!!




:lol: Very true! Too late for the cake though the poor hubby has been kicked to the kerb. She has even arranged for him to go to Saudi Arabia to work there as he can earn more money. What surprises me is that in the hope that he can get her back he is going to do it!! :evil:

[/quote]
She is not a true Christian is my thought or she would stay with her husband. Speak the truth plainly and calmly to her. Then let the chips fall where they may.[/quote]

I have tried to speak calmly routine; it doesn't work. Unless you agree with her she gets upset and tells you she expected more than that from you! Like what? :? :x

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Postby Shazzam » Sun Oct 02, 2005 1:32 am

I justed wanted to thank everyone that participated in this thread for their help. It has been nearly three months now and I haven't heard a word from this person. That pretty much sums up what I thought would happen if I spoke my mind with her. Funny thing is though I'm ok about it; I have realised that she was never truly a friend. I had convinced myself that she was because we had known each other for so long.

Sometimes you just have to wake up and see things for what they really are; and move on.

Thanks again everyone for your help! :) :)

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Postby Dixie » Sun Oct 02, 2005 8:33 am

You're more than welcome, Shazzam. And don't worry, you've been honest with her. At least you've realized what she actually is like...


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