Another "correctness of a phrase for lyrics" question

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BadDisciple
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Another "correctness of a phrase for lyrics" question

Post by BadDisciple » Thu May 25, 2017 9:25 am

Hi again,

I have a little doubt about which of these two phrases (for lyrics of a song) would be more "expressive":

1.
"Beautiful rainbows do you hope to see
if looking down? No, in the sky they'll be."

2.
"Beautiful rainbows do you think you'll see
if looking down? No, in the sky they'll be."

(The second "scans" better for singing, but I like more the first one as expression.)

It's a re-phrasing of a Charlie Chaplin's line in one of his movie songs, his original being:
"If you’re looking for rainbows,
look up to the sky,
but never, no never, look down !"

Thanks for your feedback!
BD

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Joe
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Re: Another "correctness of a phrase for lyrics" question

Post by Joe » Sat Jul 15, 2017 9:48 am

I find 1 more expressive.

Not sure why 2 would "scan" better, since both lines have the same number of syllables and sentences stress. But then I'm not a singer :roll:

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