It first came to me as a shock and disbelief. Then came a wave of numbness. Then anger and hate. I write this because I need to get in touch with my emotions. To confront and identify the things I need to repair. I need it to release the feelings that are building up inside me. I need to write this to feel good again. I want to move on. Right now I feel so empty. I am grieving at the loss. I did not lose the love but I lost the trust for the one I love. My heart is not heavy. It feels so hollow yet it aches so much. I am hurt. It might be my ego or my wounded pride. It might be because I feel alone. It might be because of the fear for the things that I will soon be missing. It's like drowning in nothingness. I want to breathe but my body resists. I cry because of anger and frustration. I am frustrated because I never had the chance to fight. I am angry because I felt that I had lost without me knowing that it's already over right on the day I thought the fight had just begun. I wanted it straight in the face. You always knew that. I am angry because you did not do what I expected you to do in case something like this comes. I am angry because now I hate. I hate because I felt betrayed. I hate you for not having the courage to tell me. I hate because I found out about it on my own. I hate because my suspicions were proven true -- because my gut feel turned to be right. I hate you for being weak. I hate because I am disappointed. I thought you are strong. I am disappointed because I always believed that we can make it work. I hate you because I could not understand how you could have done this without knowing the exact reason why. I hate because of the things, the plans and the dreams that may never come true. It should not have happened this way. Not like this. Not now, not when we are so near. I hate you for having done the thing I find hardest to forgive. I hate because I know I will not forget. I don't know what to do with all these emotions. Emotions were never my strong suit. I am lousy at it. That's why before, I kept only few and the simple ones that are easy to handle and show. It was you who brought me love during the time I was more concerned with other things and when I was not looking for it. With it, came flooding, complex mixtures of feelings and emotions no longer compartmentalized. Completely unfamiliar. It was a roller coaster ride yet I was able to manage it. You had to teach me how. You were there to guide me, to backstop me, to receive what I give and to provide what I need. Now I am confused. I couldn't understand why it is so hard for you to make up your mind. You could have simply told me that you don't feel the same for me anymore. It could have been much easier and less messy. I can't understand why you want to be with someone who, as you said, will never be forever and at the same breath say that it is me who you see as getting old with. I can't understand why you can say both when you know that what you have done is sure to break us apart. I can't understand why you say you love me still and more when you can't promise to stay away from him. Are you trying to play on both sides of the river? Why is there so much pain? I don't understand why you say that what you have is a non-relationship. You wanted a break from me. Admit it. But you're just too much of a coward to tell me. I realized that we have built our castles in sand. And all it took was the gentlest of waves and everything was washed back to the sea. I bet you let out a sigh of relief because now it's already out and you don't have to think anymore of a way to tell me. Because my reaction was not as violent as you expected. That finally you will be free to explore your future with him or anybody else minus the guilt. You will no longer be judged wrongly and called by nasty names. Maybe in time I'll learn to accept that this happened for a reason that I have yet to know. You said that if we got married before you left then everything will still be perfect. Commitments are not supposed to be dependent on a ring around our fingers. Its foundations should lie deep within the core of our being and everyday should not be a struggle on keeping it. It was fate that brought us together, maybe it was fate that set us apart. We have been weighed and found wanting. Our love was tested and we failed. I will surely miss the hands I used to hold. The head that fits perfectly on my shoulder. The heart-shaped face with the cute widow's peak. Those puppy-dog eyes that always seem to be on the verge of tears, that pert little bunny nose, those lips that I used to kiss, those ears that receive my whispers. The body that I like to touch, to hug, to caress, to smell and kiss. You are a study of contrasts. You are full of contradictions. You are overly sensitive with the temperament of a tasmanian devil your outbursts are volcanic yet you possess the gentlest heart that I have ever known. You have the memory of an elephant, the tenacity of a bulldog, the instincts of a mother hen. You are gullible and indecisive. You flip-flop and is fickle minded. You are a doormat and a pushover but you always knew what you want. You are a killjoy and a square but you are funny just the same. You are a brat. Demanding, perfectionist, impatient, obsessive-compulsive and sometimes you can be such a pest. Some people will find it irritating and yet I find it cute. You easily panic. You easily get lost. But in the midst of it all you deliver when it counted the most. I guess when life gives us lemons, we should be able to make a lemonade. As baseball is not always about fastballs, the person at bat should be ready for an occasional curveball. I learned that love makes you vulnerable. It opens your chest and gets into your heart. Which means someone can get inside you and mess you up. After years of building up all the defenses so that nothing can hurt you, it only takes one person --- no different from any other person to wander into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you even if they don't ask you for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, and your life isn't your own anymore. Love can get inside you. It can lift you up and make you deliriously happy. Or it can eat you up and leave you crying in the dark, so a simple word that was said or left unsaid can easily turn into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt. A body-hurt. A real gets-inside-you-and-rip-you-apart pain. But nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. Someone said that the shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor. The one who kneels before the Lord can stand up to anything. I may not be the same anymore but I hope to come out of it a lot stronger, wiser and more careful. It pains me so much and my heart doesn't want to, but I have to let you go. I love you enough to let you go and find your heart's desires. I am not closing any doors but right now you seem so far away. I'll wait again for love to find me and when it does I will treat her so right she'll never want to let me go. It could have been you. It could have been us.
c",) I'm here... all the way c",)