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My Love Story "Help needed"

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samking
Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 5:56 pm
Status: English Learner

My Love Story "Help needed"

Post by samking » Sun Jan 31, 2016 7:07 pm

Maria, the girl whom I loved, left me alone. I was having a great life whenever she was near me. My life was, happy, interesting, and pleasurable with so many great days and happy thoughts. In my dreams, she was present always. Whenever I closed my eyes, I only see her. I was in deep love with her that it was hard for me to suppress it. That day, when she left me, was worse than doomsday for me. She laughed at me, made fun of me, and bullied me with her friends. I was feeling so sad and, my happiness was flowing like a lake where water flows. After that day, I lost my all self-esteem and confidence, and it was even hard for me to face anyone. I become so self-conscious that I felt te be the ugliest person in the entire world. All of my hopes, dreams, flew away in the air. She not only rejected my love but also made me realise my ups and downs. I was unable to breathe that whole day and whenever her thought arouses in my mind, I cried.

Hi, friends.
My name is Sam, and I want to be an English writer. I've been trying my best to write well English, and please check my above-written story. I wrote it to show you guys a sample of my writing. I'm new here and want you guys to help me so, I can improve my English and writing. Please, guys, help me in my journey by guiding me with your great ideas.

knowable
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Posts: 43
Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2016 5:31 pm
Status: English Teacher

Re: My Love Story "Help needed"

Post by knowable » Mon Jun 06, 2016 3:06 pm

Your style of writing is good as it is easy for the reader to follow the story. There are, however, a few mistakes to note.

Tense: E.g., the sentence 'whenever I closed my eyes, I only see her' should be 'whenever I closed my eyes, I only saw her' as you are talking about the past.

Choice of words: E.g., it is not clear what you meant by 'my happiness was flowing like a lake where water flows'. Maybe you meant that you 'lost happiness'.

Try not to put too many words in one sentence where a few will do. For example, the second sentence - My life was, happy, interesting, and pleasurable with so many great days and happy thoughts – can be shorter and clear with: my life was full of pleasure and happy thoughts.

Here is my rewrite of your paragraph:
It stills feel like yesterday when Maria, the girl who I once loved, left me. I really loved her and could not hide my feelings. I spent most of my days either thinking of her or dreaming of her. For with her, I was a happy, full of life person. Then she left. The day she left me was the worst day of my life. She made fun of me and even got her friends to bully me. My happiness turned to sadness. Since that day, I felt myself lose confidence and became so self-conscious that I could not face anyone for fear they would find me ugly. My hopes and dreams faded away as I cried in misery over her rejection. Every time a thought of her crossed my mind, I would fall into tears.
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