Page 1 of 1

Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Posted: Thu Apr 25, 2019 3:56 pm
by Angelzoom
Hi everyone.

Can you review the following paragraph as a firs paragraph of IELTS academic essay about music in task 2 about if music should be shared or only shared with authorisation.

My attempt with the first paragraph.

“Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways to express emotions to human beings that has been around for centuries. Nowadays, music not only has developed a vast range of instruments and vocal techniques, but also it has developed the way that is shared with authorisation which personally I agree.”

Thank you for in advance.

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Posted: Thu May 02, 2019 2:40 am
by SitangCampus
The "it" after "but also" can be dropped.
The opening is great, I like to see what is next.

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Posted: Tue May 14, 2019 2:36 pm
by sassybear
dude thats fantastic. grammar is perfect (to me haha)

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Posted: Tue May 14, 2019 3:01 pm
by Safari
art and cultural activity
You have a mix of noun and adjective to describe "activity". Might be better as:
art and culture activity
artistic and cultural activity

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Posted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:56 am
by ibrahimwrt
"Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways to express emotions to human beings that has been around for centuries."
I think it is better to shorten your topic sentence with extracting the 'that has been around for centuries' part.

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Posted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 12:03 pm
by Firefox
ibrahimwrt wrote:
Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:56 am
"Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways to express emotions to human beings that has been around for centuries."
I think it is better to shorten your topic sentence with extracting the 'that has been around for centuries' part.
I agree. Or at least you could say:

Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways to express emotions to human beings for centuries.

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Posted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 12:03 pm
by Firefox
Or better still:

Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways of expressing human emotions for centuries.

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Posted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 12:15 pm
by ibrahimwrt
Safari's warning is also important. 'Artistic and cultural activity'