Brahman wrote:1. "19-year-old student died on Tuesday, three days after she apparently choked on two slices of orange and lost consciousness."
I am not sure whether I am guilty of being too critical but when I read the sentence, the impression that I had from the prepositional phrase ("on two slices of orange and lost consciousness") is, the student choked on "oranges" and 'lost consciousness".
Not the student. She. There is no coma after "chocked". Even though a coma were used there, it would be a sentence with a misplaced modifier. I would say the sentence as it follows.
"19-year-old student died on Tuesday, on two slices of orange, three days after she had apparently choked and lost her consciousness."
In the sentence above, he died for the two slices of orange taken.
If she lost her consciousness on the two slices of orange taken, I would say the sentence this way
"19-year-old student died on Tuesday, three days after she apparently had first choked and then lost consciousness because of two taken slices of orange.
(Am I right to say that? By the bye, is that called prepositional phrase?)
2. "Friends of polytechnic student Ailsie Lee Qiao Qi told The Straits Times that she had been eating oranges at home during breakfast last Saturday morning when she suddenly started choking and coughing, then fainted."
Sentence 2 is not as bad as the first. But I would have removed "morning". "Then fainted" doesn't seem quite right to me; but I am not sure.
I would say #2 this way
Friends of polytechnic student Ailsie Lee Qiao Qi told The Straits Times that in the last Saturday morning she had been eating oranges at home when she had suddenly started to choke and cough after which she had fainted.
Can someone comment on my views?
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest