critisize my fairy tale please

Members help members on grammar, vocab, pronunciation...

Moderators: Vega, Krisi, EC

Post Reply
User avatar
tamazzzi
New Member
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2016 9:36 am
Status: English Learner

critisize my fairy tale please

Post by tamazzzi » Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:59 pm

Hi there,

Please, coul someone critisize my fairy tale? It's very short! Thank you in advance

Are not you asleep yet? Then I invite you to an amazing fairytale full of miracles. Do you believe in miracles? They are easy to find, if you know where to look. All you need is just to turn around and you will see how miracles come to life.
They are living here, among countless candies, sweets and cakes.
Among people which love fairy tales. Here are brilliance and good traditions. Here magic happens. And the Masters help to create it. They wake up every midnight at exactly the same time. Some of them reluctantly! But magic music changes everything.
Here is the Keeper of Traditions. He gives out the scrolls of deals. There`s a whole night ahead but we still have a lot of things to do. We need to hurry up! Master Maasdam is especially diligent. Confectioners Marz and Pan whip cream and put cream caps on cakes.
In the heat of work the masters get off their feet not without Master Maasdam`s help and the Schneller brothers hardly keep up with the indefatigable Master Baker. The work is funnier with Maestro`s music.
Time is running out. General Succade hardly has time to send a division of berries for cakes ...When a bugle sounds – the Keeper of traditions calls everyone up to their places.
The morning comes, but the fairy tale does not end. Miracles always wait for us.
Because even growing up, we don`t forget about them. Eliseevsky stories are the Magic nearby.

mariaver
New Member
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jul 29, 2017 8:01 am
Status: English Learner

Re: critisize my fairy tale please

Post by mariaver » Mon Jul 31, 2017 4:19 pm

Hello,
It's good but what age do you target? If you target teens it's alright but for younger ones I think it might be a little too much. The plot is interesting and the writing simple. Although I think it is "Are you not asleep yet". Also, "All you need is to just turn around" I am not native so it's better if you checked grammar with someone more in the subject but it is interesting. Congratulations!!

Post Reply