Checking a paragraph

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Mlearner
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Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2017 12:12 am
Status: English Learner

Checking a paragraph

Post by Mlearner » Mon Jul 31, 2017 12:22 am

Dear friends/teachers,

Is the following paragraph grammatically correct?

As far as I am concerned, regarding all the privileged aspects of people's significant role, one would make a valid point to state that a combined program in which both financially powerful people and the government should provide conditions in the society by which poor people can enjoy a more splendid life.

Regards,

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Joe
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Re: Checking a paragraph

Post by Joe » Sat Sep 02, 2017 7:39 am

I don't fully understand your para but I can make the following suggestions (in CAPITALS):

As far as I am concerned, regarding all the privileged aspects of people's significant role, one would make a valid point to state that a combined program in which both financially powerful people and the government should provide conditions in [THE - delete] society by which poor people can enjoy a BETTER LIFE.

You are stating that...

a combined program in which both financially powerful people and the government should provide conditions in [THE - delete] society by which poor people can enjoy a BETTER LIFE

but there is no verb to follow your subject. Impossible.
"We are not wholly bad or good, who live our lives under Milk Wood"
prayer of the Reverend Eli Jenkins in Under Milk Wood by Dylan Thomas

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