Checking a paragraph

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Mlearner
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Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2017 12:12 am
Status: English Learner

Checking a paragraph

Post by Mlearner » Mon Jul 31, 2017 12:22 am

Dear friends/teachers,

Is the following paragraph grammatically correct?

As far as I am concerned, regarding all the privileged aspects of people's significant role, one would make a valid point to state that a combined program in which both financially powerful people and the government should provide conditions in the society by which poor people can enjoy a more splendid life.

Regards,

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Joe
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Re: Checking a paragraph

Post by Joe » Sat Sep 02, 2017 7:39 am

I don't fully understand your para but I can make the following suggestions (in CAPITALS):

As far as I am concerned, regarding all the privileged aspects of people's significant role, one would make a valid point to state that a combined program in which both financially powerful people and the government should provide conditions in [THE - delete] society by which poor people can enjoy a BETTER LIFE.

You are stating that...

a combined program in which both financially powerful people and the government should provide conditions in [THE - delete] society by which poor people can enjoy a BETTER LIFE

but there is no verb to follow your subject. Impossible.
"We are not wholly bad or good, who live our lives under Milk Wood :-| " — Dylan Thomas, Under Milk Wood

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