Weird paragraph - Help please

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TAL
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Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 1:24 pm
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Weird paragraph - Help please

Post by TAL » Wed Oct 18, 2017 11:11 am

Hi everyone, I have a paragraph that deals with lose weight, and I think I got it a little wrong with my wording, can someone please correct me so it will sound good for a English native's ear?
here's the paragraph:

You probably already know that as we age our body tend to become limp, fat accumulates around the belly, and it can often be very hard to get rid of. Why does that happen? And what Can you do to flatten your belly? Here are the answers.
First of all, you need to understand that without doing what’s Right for your body, you will NEVER get rid of that belly! This annoying fat will NOT dissolve until you address the REAL problem! first correct what’s wrong then move on!
Now as you read into this page, you become more and more aware about How to make this change. This is not necessarily about going on a diet or working out, there is another way to the change the shape of your body, what is that other way? Your body’s balance of hormones! you see, some of our hormones have a common error, they can send signals to our brain to accumulate fat, when we address this error and correct it, our body can finally get rid of this annoying squishy fat which can have a dramatic influence on our appearance!

Please feel free to correct anything you see that doesn't make sense or phrased weird, or if you have any ideas of changes in the text would be great!

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Tukanja
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Joined: Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:47 pm
Status: English Learner

Re: Weird paragraph - Help please

Post by Tukanja » Sun Oct 22, 2017 11:29 pm

Even though it's really hard for a learner to sound good to a native ear, please find my proposal below.

As you know, aging, our body tends to become limp, fat accumulates around the belly, and it is often very hard to get rid of it. Why this happens? And what can you do to flatten your stomach? Below are the answers.

First of all - you need to understand - without doing what’s right for your body, you will NEVER get rid of that shameful shape! This annoying fat will NOT dissolve until you address the cause! Fortunately, it is not necessarily to go on a diet or workouts, there is another way to change such body shape. What's the way? I'll tell you what, your body’s balance of hormones! You see, some of our hormones have a common error, so they can send signals to our brain to accumulate fat. When we address this error, and correct it, our body will finally get rid of this annoying and squishy fat, which will have a dramatic influence on our appearance!

paraphraseexample
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Joined: Wed Oct 25, 2017 11:53 am
Status: English Learner

Re: Weird paragraph - Help please

Post by paraphraseexample » Wed Oct 25, 2017 11:55 am

Actually, it's normal. I don't see any weirdness.

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