In this subforum, we give a broad overview of suggestions for improving your writing in the long term, and we don't really 'correct' writing per se, like the post you included below.
However, we would be happy to give you some general tips for how to structure this piece. Is this for an email? Do you sell security cameras? Where is this piece of writing headed? Once you let us know that, we'll have a better idea of how to guide you and tweak your content.
Ivy Eyes Editingwww.ivyeyesediting.com