Hesitating on an expression

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BadDisciple
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Hesitating on an expression

Postby BadDisciple » Sat Jul 14, 2012 12:06 pm

Hail all,
Not being a native English speaker I'll always need an advice when it comes to tricky or fine expressions.

Here I'm writing a song about a traveling guy who gives a promise having the best intentions, but his way of life doesn't allow him to keep his word. So I've come to an expression "...words written in the sand...", but that has more syllables than the music length, so I hesitate between these two replacements:
"...words left in the sand..." or "...just words in the sand...". They both match well the music length but to me the first one seems better. Any opinion?

Thanks a lot and best vibes.

Bad Disciple

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reindeer
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Re: Hesitating on an expression

Postby reindeer » Sat Jul 14, 2012 1:40 pm

Hi,

It would be probably easier to give an advice if you gave us the whole text, or at least a quatrain.
By the way, there is 'creative writing' subsection here on the forum, where you can meet some people who really deal with poetry. Why wouldn't you post your request there too?

All the best,
Andrew

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BadDisciple
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Re: Hesitating on an expression

Postby BadDisciple » Sat Jul 14, 2012 3:15 pm

Ok, it's like the guy is making promises and the promises are "condamned" not to be kept:

“I’ll come again”…
“I won’t forget”…

...words left in the sand...

==>or
[…just words in the sand…]

BD

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reindeer
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Re: Hesitating on an expression

Postby reindeer » Sat Jul 14, 2012 5:13 pm

Hi Bad one:)
I believe 'just words in the sand' fits perfectly in the context.
Just be aware that I am neither a poet nor native speaker. However, I have couple of songs (with my own lyricks in English).

All the best
Andrew

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BadDisciple
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Re: Hesitating on an expression

Postby BadDisciple » Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:56 am

Reindeer, thanks for the advice. Anyway, as we both are no native English speakers we should both need an advice, shouldn't we...

BD


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