Correctness of a phrase in song lyrics

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BadDisciple
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Correctness of a phrase in song lyrics

Post by BadDisciple » Mon Jun 18, 2018 9:08 pm

Hello all,

I've got uncertainty with few phrases I write for a song.
Some of them seem to not stand good English.
Here:

"I see you now having crossed my way. I’m stunned!"

"...you who came like a living myth, a light beam..."

"I will give you all my passion flames..."
or
"I will give you all my flames of passion..."

Could you please confirm or advice?

Thanks for you feedback!

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Joe
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Re: Correctness of a phrase in song lyrics

Post by Joe » Wed Jun 20, 2018 8:39 am

"I see you now having crossed my way. I’m stunned!"
"I see you now having crossed my path. I’m stunned!" :ok: may be better

"...you who came like a living myth, a light beam..."
"...you who came like a living myth, a beam of light..." may be better

"I will give you all my passion flames..." :nok:
or
"I will give you all my flames of passion..." :ok:

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BadDisciple
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Re: Correctness of a phrase in song lyrics

Post by BadDisciple » Thu Jun 21, 2018 11:27 am

Joe wrote:
Wed Jun 20, 2018 8:39 am
"I see you now having crossed my way. I’m stunned!"
"I see you now having crossed my path. I’m stunned!" :ok: may be better

"...you who came like a living myth, a light beam..."
"...you who came like a living myth, a beam of light..." may be better

"I will give you all my passion flames..." :nok:
or
"I will give you all my flames of passion..." :ok:
Thanks a lot, Joe.
To explain myself better, two remarks:
1: It is a fact that in all languages, when it comes to poetry, there is plenty of metaphors and often a reversed order in syntax/grammar.
2: In song writing, even more limits exist, as care must be taken of matching the music rhythm accents and the language phonetic stress on the words!

So I think it's better that I provide the entire text of my lyrics. Here it is (the lines in doubt in red):
MY NYMPH
(Verse 1)
Dear lady,
after searching for so long, a long run,
I see you now having crossed my way/path. I'm stunned! (Ok?)
Charm and grace,
you turn to me your sparkling eyes, so fine,
and your smiling lips, and dancing steps, my kind!
(Chorus 1)
You nice lady, you true nymph,
let me ask you be my chosen one.
You dear lady, you true nymph,
be my lady, have my soul and song.
(Verse 2)
My lady,
you who came like a living myth, a light/shine/glow/sun beam, ("beam of light" doesn't "match" with the music!)
will we join and share our joys and pains, my dream?
Charming you,
I will play for you my songs and rhymes,
I will give you all my passion flames, all times.
or:
A. "And my flames of passion are for you, all times"
B. "And my flames of passion will touch you, all times"
C. "And my flames of passion will hug you, all times"

(Chorus 2)
Precious lady, my true nymph,
dance your graceful steps around the trees.
My dear lady, my true myth,
it's our day One, a dream came true like breeze,
my nymph!
(A cappella)
It's our day One, a dream came true, my nymph!

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