Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Add your poems, essays and short stories here. Please do not post work by other writers.

Moderator: EC

Post Reply
Angelzoom
Member
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Apr 25, 2019 1:36 pm
Status: English Learner

Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Post by Angelzoom » Thu Apr 25, 2019 3:56 pm

Hi everyone.

Can you review the following paragraph as a firs paragraph of IELTS academic essay about music in task 2 about if music should be shared or only shared with authorisation.

My attempt with the first paragraph.

“Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways to express emotions to human beings that has been around for centuries. Nowadays, music not only has developed a vast range of instruments and vocal techniques, but also it has developed the way that is shared with authorisation which personally I agree.”

Thank you for in advance.

User avatar
SitangCampus
Member
Posts: 49
Joined: Thu May 02, 2019 2:16 am
Status: English Learner

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Post by SitangCampus » Thu May 02, 2019 2:40 am

The "it" after "but also" can be dropped.
The opening is great, I like to see what is next.

User avatar
sassybear
Member
Posts: 46
Joined: Sun Jan 27, 2019 7:20 am
Status: English Learner

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Post by sassybear » Tue May 14, 2019 2:36 pm

dude thats fantastic. grammar is perfect (to me haha)

User avatar
Safari
Member
Posts: 47
Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2019 2:10 am
Status: Other

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Post by Safari » Tue May 14, 2019 3:01 pm

art and cultural activity
You have a mix of noun and adjective to describe "activity". Might be better as:
art and culture activity
artistic and cultural activity

ibrahimwrt
Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:50 am
Status: English Teacher

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Post by ibrahimwrt » Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:56 am

"Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways to express emotions to human beings that has been around for centuries."
I think it is better to shorten your topic sentence with extracting the 'that has been around for centuries' part.

User avatar
Firefox
Rising Star
Rising Star
Posts: 122
Joined: Tue Jan 22, 2019 6:57 am
Status: Other

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Post by Firefox » Tue Aug 06, 2019 12:03 pm

ibrahimwrt wrote:
Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:56 am
"Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways to express emotions to human beings that has been around for centuries."
I think it is better to shorten your topic sentence with extracting the 'that has been around for centuries' part.
I agree. Or at least you could say:

Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways to express emotions to human beings for centuries.

User avatar
Firefox
Rising Star
Rising Star
Posts: 122
Joined: Tue Jan 22, 2019 6:57 am
Status: Other

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Post by Firefox » Tue Aug 06, 2019 12:03 pm

Or better still:

Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways of expressing human emotions for centuries.

ibrahimwrt
Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:50 am
Status: English Teacher

Re: Music is to be share or be shared with authorisation

Post by ibrahimwrt » Tue Aug 06, 2019 12:15 pm

Safari's warning is also important. 'Artistic and cultural activity'

Post Reply