Grammar mistakes in my essay

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Ronedri
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Joined: Thu Jan 16, 2020 6:03 pm
Status: Learner of English

Grammar mistakes in my essay

Post by Ronedri » Thu Jan 16, 2020 6:11 pm

Hi everyone
I have been asked to write a really short essay in a test. I would like to know if there are any critical grammar mistakes so that I know how well it went.
* It isn't supposed to be a flawless writing and the subject does not really matter so other ways to express sentences aren’t really important- but the grammar and english mistakes do.

Thank you!
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patron
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Re: Grammar mistakes in my essay

Post by patron » Thu Jan 16, 2020 10:55 pm

Is it possible to provide a larger attachment?. I'M HAVING PROBLEMS READING THIS.

Ronedri
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Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Jan 16, 2020 6:03 pm
Status: Learner of English

Re: Grammar mistakes in my essay

Post by Ronedri » Thu Jan 16, 2020 11:47 pm

Sorry, it says the file is too big.
Here’s a link for the photo:
https://ibb.co/j3h2Mbz
Thanks

patron
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Joined: Sat Nov 23, 2019 8:54 pm
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Re: Grammar mistakes in my essay

Post by patron » Fri Jan 17, 2020 8:37 pm

Thank you. That is better.


Your first paragraph looks good and makes sense.

Paragraph 2
line 2

I believe the majority of smokers are not aware of the damage they can do to their bodies.

Line2 and 3

Hence, advertisements which show graphic images of lung damage caused by smoking can help to increase awareness about the dangers of smoking.

Paragraph 3
Line 1

In addition, some advertisements............

Line 3

.......then he/she........

Conclusion

Line 1 and 2

In conclusion, I think anti-smoking campaigns can be very
effective.......

These are just my suggestions. On the whole your essay is very good and logical.

Ronedri
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Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Jan 16, 2020 6:03 pm
Status: Learner of English

Re: Grammar mistakes in my essay

Post by Ronedri » Sat Jan 18, 2020 8:43 am

Thank you! As long as there aren’t grammar mistakes its perfect.
By the way, could I say in the third paragraph “If one were to be exposed to such advertisements, they would reconsider..”- I wasn’t sure if this is a right wording or not, mainly because of the were (or was?) and because of the “they” (is it ok to use they referring to one, instead of he/she? I wasn’t sure if this is slang that I hear on the tv or not).
Could you please confirm that these 2 are ok?
Thanks alot!

patron
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Posts: 18
Joined: Sat Nov 23, 2019 8:54 pm
Status: Other

Re: Grammar mistakes in my essay

Post by patron » Sat Jan 18, 2020 5:21 pm

Hello Ronedri,

I think perfect English doesn't exist. Actually, if you try to write every sentence/paragraph using perfect technical grammar then your writing becomes boring and will lack style.

If you are writing an essay for IELTS then you need to use a formal style. However, if you are writing a creative essay then an informal style is acceptable.

Many people accept using he/she. However, you can use they to mean one because the generic form HE is no longer accepted.

You also asked about using : If one were vs If one was.
I think were or was are acceptable today. In the past only the subjunctive voice was used e.g uses were for a hypothetical situation, but now the subjective voice is hardly used and using was instead of were has become more popular. Both sound idiomatic or natural.

Extra; Your essay has some good introductory phrases, interjections and transitions. Also some nice vocabulary.
I hope that helps.

Ronedri
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Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Jan 16, 2020 6:03 pm
Status: Learner of English

Re: Grammar mistakes in my essay

Post by Ronedri » Sat Jan 18, 2020 6:41 pm

First of all, thank you! I really appreciate the help.
Now this wasn't meant to be formal, just written well and grammatically correct.

The explanation about one and they/he/she is great.
Regarding to the issue with was/were. I was taught exactly what you mentioned- that were is for hypothetical situations, or things that cannot happen because they had happened differently. Does it really not matter if I say for example “if Jennifer were/was a boy”?

Also if you don’t mind me asking 2 more questions:
1. “Bring about” 2nd paragraph. Used correctly?
2. Is there any significant different between “if i did.. then i would..” and “if i had.. then i would have..”.
Im asking because i know there’s supposed to be a different but i hear a lot of both and don’t notice it.

Thank you again!

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