Basic version 51-75
The jokes are in simple language, with easy vocabulary and some notes.
In a violent city, a wife whose husband had been unfaithful, visited her lawyer.
"I want to divorce him," she said.
"That is easy, madam," replied the lawyer. "Give me 500 dollars to begin work."
"Five hundred dollars?" She was amazed. "I have changed my mind. I can arrange his execution for less money."
Two men liked to read books about detectives, murder and mystery. When they were travelling together, one asked the other,
"What is the subject of your book?"
"The French Revolution in 1789."
"Has anyone been killed yet?"
"Yes. The King. Louis the Fourteenth."
"Have you discovered who was the criminal responsible yet?"
Mary went to a restaurant and asked for a job as a waitress.
"Do you have any references?" asked the owner.
"I worked for five years in a famous restaurant."
"Can you prove it?"
"Easily. I can show you one of the many spoons that I stole from them."
One night at sea, there was a thick fog. The captain of a boat noticed lights approaching. He assumed it was another ship. To avoid a collision, he called through his megaphone,
"You must change course ten degrees south."
The answer came back, "No. You must change course ten degrees north."
Annoyed, he shouted, "I'm a captain. I order you to change course ten degrees south.
The answer was, "I'm a lighthouse-keeper. I order you to change course ten degrees north."
(A lighthouse is a tower built on rocks near a dangerous part of the sea. It has a light to warn approaching ships. A keeper lives in the lighthouse to ensure the light is always burning.)
A husband called a plumber to mend a leak. His wife watched the plumber at work. Then she said discreetly to her husband on his return home,
"I do not think that plumber is very competent."
"As soon as he entered the kitchen, he put on a lifebelt."
A Mr and Mrs Jones went on holiday to the seaside. On their first evening, they went to a restaurant and Mr Jones ordered steak.
"What are you thinking of? " asked his wife. "Here we are by the sea. We should eat fish."
"You're quite right, dear," he replied. "Waiter, change that to a trout."
(Trout is a river fish, not a sea fish.)
At a primary school for the smallest children. It was the time between lessons and the children were in the playground. One little boy said,
"I am worried about arithmetic. Suppose our teacher tells me that I have four apples and I must share them between us five? What do I say? It's impossible."
"No," said a little girl, "It's easy. You stew the apples first."
A receptionist went into her doctor's consulting room. She told the doctor,
"There is one more patient for you to see. He says he has visited all the other doctors in town."
"What is his complaint?"
"All the other doctors in town."
To complain = to say that you are not satisfied
Complaint = dissatisfaction but also complaint = illness
A young man told his father that his military service, which he had just completed, had been very difficult. His father disagreed.
"I obtained an easy job for you in the Air Force. You lived at home and drove to work daily."
"I am complaining about the traffic jams."
Two sheep were talking.
"You look really tired," one said.
"I know," replied the other. "I had to count 500 shepherds last night before I could get to sleep."
Note - it is traditional when you cannot sleep to imagine you are counting sheep. It is so dull and repetitive, it sends you to sleep.
A young man in love wanted to tell his girl-friend how much he loved her.
"I would risk crossing fire or water for you," he declared passionately.
She was not impressed. She replied,
"I know. But you are a fireman."
Three men, grandfather, father and son, lived together. At the other end of the village lived a woman called Blodwen who sold her charms for money. One afternoon, the son said,
"I am going to visit Blodwen." After two hours, he returned, very satisfied, and said,
"That Blodwen. What passion! What passion!"
Next morning, the father said,
"I am going to visit Blodwen." After four hours, he returned, very satisfied, and said,
"That Blodwen. What passion! What passion!"
Next day, the grandfather said,
"I am going to visit Blodwen." Two days later, he returned, very satisfied, and said,
"That Blodwen. What patience! What patience!"
An old man's wife died. At the same time, his cow died. He was sad that his wife was dead but extremely sorry to lose the cow.
The local vicar criticised him.
"You seem sorrier about the cow than about your wife. But a wife is more valuable than a mere cow."
"Not true," replied the old man. "I have proof. At least ten women have offered to replace my wife. But no one has offered to replace my cow."
A scientist has produced a new bird. One parent was a parrot and the other was a homing pigeon. The scientist explained his idea.
"If, coming home, the pigeon loses itself, it will be able to talk like a parrot. It can ask someone to tell it the way home."
A man decided to divorce his wife. He explained to the judge in the court,
"My wife would not cook proper meals for me. At first, she would open a tin of food and heat it in the oven. Then, she would simply put the unopened tin in the fridge. Finally, she would not even do that. She left a note telling me where to find a recipe."
A man and his wife went to their cottage in the country for the weekend. The wife phoned the neighbour who was a very pretty girl.
"Please will you put on a bikini and have a sunbathe in your garden?"
"Yes. But why do you want me to do that?"
"I want my husband to cut the hedge. If I ask him to, he will refuse. If he sees you there, he will cut the hedge without asking, as an excuse to admire your figure."
Mary, a newly-wed, phoned her mother.
"Do you think you could persuade Daddy to lend me his car tomorrow morning?"
"Has your husband's broken down then?"
"No, but he promised to teach me to drive."
A reporter often interviewed famous people. But they were very busy people and often they had told their secretaries not to interrupt them. The reporter imagined a trick which would persuade the people to answer their phone.
He phoned - the secretary replied, saying "What do you want?" He would answer in a low voice
"It's a personal matter. Tell him 'THIS IS THE HUSBAND'."
The important person usually had a guilty conscience about some woman and would answer the phone at once, personally, to prevent his secretary finding out more.
John became hoarse. He went to the doctor's, rang the bell and a nurse opened the door.
"Is the doctor in?" John whispered. The nurse looked at his face which was hidden by a scarf and thought she understood the situation. She replied,
"No sir. The doctor's out. You can come in. You are safe. His wife is quite alone."
A teacher set an arithmetic problem.
"You have six pounds in your pocket. You lose four. What do you have in your pocket?"
Quickly came the answer - "A hole."
A boy of five years old went to a big shop with his mother. By mistake they became separated. The boy did not panic or cry. He went to the nearest shop employee and said,
"Please sir. My mother is lost. Please find her. Tell her I shall wait at the toy counter. And she must not worry about me."
(In England, doctors are notorious for hand-writing that is difficult to understand.)
A woman criticised her adult daughter.
"You are engaged to be married to a doctor but you spend so much time every day with a chemist."
"I must, Mummy. Only the chemist can read the love letters he writes me."
Two men were drinking in a pub. One said,
"You look miserable. What is the problem?"
"I've discovered that I talk in my sleep."
"Well that's not serious."
"It is when it happens in the office."
When a robber entered a woman's house at night, she surprisingly arrested him and called the police. The sergeant congratulated her.
"But," he said, "You should not have hit him so hard or so many times."
"Sorry officer," she replied." The fact is, my husband has not come home and I thought, at first, it was him."
A man who had drunk a lot of beer, went to the office where they register births, marriages and deaths. He entered and said,
"Morning fellows, I want to register the birth of twins."
"Of course," replied the official. "But why did you say fellows? I am the only person here."
"Oh," the happy father hesitated. "Perhaps I'll return to the clinic and count the babies again."
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Helen's ESL Jokes © Helen Baker 2003