Basic version 76-100
The jokes are in simple language, with easy vocabulary and some notes.
The doctor used his stethoscope on the patient. Finally, he said, "I hesitate between appendicitis and brain damage. I'll come back tomorrow. Don't worry. If you're still alive, it's appendicitis."
A tax inspector went into the African jungle and found a tribe which had never paid taxes before. He explained that he wanted some of their money, but not for himself.
"The money will go to the government," he said. "But they will spend it on you. They will make sure you are never hungry."
"I understand," replied the native." It is the same thing as if I cut the tail off my dog to give it something to eat."
A butcher made his own meat paste and sold it in his shop.
A customer asked what the contents were.
"It is made of beef and quail," he answered.
"But quail is an expensive, small bird and your paste is not dear. Is your paste really half and half?"
"It certainly is. I put in one cow for each quail."
(In England, unlike elsewhere in Europe, the contents of sausages is always a mystery. Often it is better not to know what is inside.)
A butcher in a small town always boasted that he never ate sausages. He did not eat other butchers' sausages because he did not know what was in them. He did not eat his own sausages because he knew - only too well - what was in them.
A little boy came to the garden gate but, seeing a big dog, he hesitated to enter.
"Come in my dear," called out the owner. "He doesn't bite."
"No?" replied the child, "but does he swallow?"
Joe bought a talking parrot. He told his friends it could recite Shakespeare. They did not believe him. In fact they bet him a pound it would not say a word. The parrot remained silent. An angry Joe had to pay a pound to each of his betting friends. When the friends had left, Joe complained to his bird,
"First I paid a lot of money to buy you. Now I have had to pay when I lost my bet."
"It does not matter," replied the parrot, proving again that it could speak. "Next time, you bet one hundred pounds, not just one, and I will recite a complete Shakespeare play."
A tramp begged money from a person who was passing.
"Give me five pounds."
"Five pounds is a lot of money. Why?"
"To buy lunch. I haven't eaten yet."
"I haven't eaten lunch either."
"Good. Give me ten pounds and I will buy your lunch for you."
A little girl was grimacing. Her old aunt did not like to see that. She warned,
"When I was your age, my mummy said if I continued to grimace, I would become ugly."
The child considered a moment. then she said,
"You should have listened to your mummy."
A private detective made his report to his client who was a jealous married woman. "I've followed your husband for two days now. He went into ten ladies boutiques and ten ladies hairdressers."
"I knew it!" sighed the woman. "How many mistresses does he keep?"
"None madam. I've made enquiries everywhere. He was looking for you."
(It is a tradition that, before someone is executed, he is offered a last request - like a cigarette or a drink.)
The criminal started to climb the ladder to the scaffold to be executed. The executioner stopped him. He offered him the traditional last drink.
The criminal refused.
"When I drink whisky, I suffer bellyache for a week afterwards."
(Peanuts are considered small and worthless. They are food for monkeys.)
Does a man who trains monkeys earn a lot of money?
No. He only receives peanuts.
A man and a woman were both very shy. For years, they had spent time together, which they both enjoyed. One day, the woman decided to be brave. She suggested,
"Don't you think, dear, it is time to marry?"
"Yes," the man replied. "But who would marry us?"
(Figaro is the name of the hero of several operas.)
A woman bought a cat and called him Figaro. Every night between ten and eleven o'clock the cat comes indoors to eat. When he is late, the woman goes out into the garden and calls "Figaro, Figaro."
One day, she heard her young daughter talking to a school friend. Her daughter explained where she lived.
"I know," replied the other child. "That's the house where the lady sings opera outside her front door in the middle of the night."
(It is a tradition after a marriage for the couple to have a holiday, called a honeymoon. Originally, it lasted a month [a moon] and they ate honey [to make them amorous].)
An American couple went to Europe for their honeymoon. On their return, the bride visited her mother who asked,
"How was the honeymoon?"
"OK. John was the same as usual."
"How was Europe?"
"What impressed you most in Europe?"
The bride thought. Then she said, "John".
A new tiger arrived in the circus. The other tigers greeted him with, "What a pity you weren't here in the days of our old trainer. He was kind, dedicated and...delicious."
Two women were talking about a third who had spent a long time in hospital. They discussed the horrible details of her illness and one said,
"Her leg was amputated. They even removed the foot."
An old Russian proverb says: "No man keeps warm long by peeing in his shoe".
(This is a pun. To understand the joke you need to know:
to multiply is a process in arithmetic. It also means to breed.
to add is a process in arithmetic. Adder is another name for a viper.)
After the flood had subsided, Noah said to the animals, "Go forth and multiply."
"I can't," replied a snake. "I'm only an adder."
A driver was lost in the countryside. He did not like to admit it so only asked a local,
"How far down that road is the village called Little Wallop?"
The countryman did not seem very intelligent. He thought before he answered,
"If I can remember and if what I learnt at school was correct, the village is about 6 thousand miles away. But if you turn and go the other way, it is three miles away."
A snobbish pair of townies were driving in the countryside when they lost their way. Seeing a local rustic, the husband asked,
"Is this the road to Little Wallop, my man?"
The wife said impatiently, "Forget him George - the man's a fool."
"I may be a fool," said the local man slowly, "But I'm not lost."
A woman driver had an accident. The car went into a ditch. A man arrived with a horse and cart.
"Don't worry," he consoled. "It doesn't take me more than an hour to pull pregnant women out of ditches."
"But I'm not pregnant."
"And you're not out of the ditch yet either."
Why are girls always so bad at geometry?
Because boys are used to looking at curves.
A boy met a very innocent girl and went to bed with her. Afterwards, she asked,
"My mummy always told me to be good. Was I?"
(to be good = to behave well
to be good at something = to perform something well)
Back in Victorian England, a colonel married a young girl. While they were in bed the morning after, she asked him,
"Do ordinary soldiers do this with their women?"
"And sergeants with their wives?
"Well tell them to stop - it's too good for them."
"Waiter I want two pieces of toast please."
"Of course, sir."
"Just a minute. The first piece must be black one side and white the other. The second one must be half soggy, half brittle."
"I'm not sure we can manage that."
"You did yesterday morning."
Helen's ESL Jokes © Helen Baker 2003