You almost followed instructions. You should completely remove instances of the first person, both singular and plural: us. This might require you to rephrase your sentence, but don't be afraid to do so.
Now, you need to attack the third person in your paragraph. Here is an opportunity to further enhance your lexical development: paraphrase "they", "their", "those" and "many people" by using your new friend called a thesaurus:
After you have made these corrections, proofread your work, re-write, and then proofread your paragraph once more before submitting it here again and then I will assist you even further.
Eric Paul Monroe